the worst thing i did this past week?
i looked at a calendar.
realizing how many (or rather, how few) days are left before my mom’s surgery (5), how many weekends i have with andrew (2) or how many weeks until work starts up again (3) have all brought me to tears.
i try to be okay and grateful during the “in-case-i-die-i-want-you-to-know-this” conversations, but i’m so scared, and the feelings are complex.
i try to be okay when, hanging out in a casual setting, people ask in a sing-song voice, “aren’t you going to miss him?” really, what kind of a question is that?
i try to believe i’ll be a better teacher this year but all i feel is FEAR. i’m so scared to start up again. i feel like that whole tough first year of teaching never started and i’m being thrown in as fresh meat again with no experience and without a clue.
i tried to surrender today,
during communion.
it seemed fitting,
after words that moved me,
and as we sang
“i surrender all”
but it was a tearful battle
&
i’m not sure what side won.
[i'm going to wisconsin on tuesday. i'm moving mid-month. i'm celebrating my birthday (?). i'm bonding w/ co-workers at work retreat. i might go on another trip with my small group.]
[these are all things that i look forward to. but i'm stressed out about them and i feel very up in the air right now. i get back from one trip just to go on another. accomplish one thing to move onto another]
[am i really complaining about life moving along at a good place?
[yes]
i don’t think i’ll feel settled until september.
when a whole new chapter of life will have begun.
i think it’s going to be a hard chapter,
august is only the beginning.
