“Sunday, July 15
I wish this summer could go on and on and on, and I wish I could always be this happy. It seems that whenever you are sad or just normal, you’re always wishing you were happy, but when you’re happy, you start worrying about when all this happiness is going to end. At least that’s the way I am. Already, I’m worrying that I’m too happy, and I’m either going to have to pay for this or it’s all going to end real soon.
It reminds me of the wheel of fortune that Mrs. Zollar talked about. She said that Shakespeare and all his buddies believed in the wheel of fortune, that your luck kind of went round and round, and when you (or your luck) were at the top, everything would go right. But that it was inevitable that the wheel had to keep spinning, and sooner or later, you’d be at the bottom of the wheel, when everything would go badly. The only thing that kept people from jumping off cliffs when they were at the bottom of the wheel was knowing that sooner or later they would be at the top again.
I feel as if the gods are going to spin my wheel any minute. Oh, pleeease, let me stay where I am for a while!”
~Mary Lou Finney, Absolutely Normal Chaos
[Absolutely Normal Chaos is a novel that I fell in love with in middle school. I picked it up off of the class bookshelf, recognizing the author from Walk Two Moons and decided to try it out. I loved it. My confession: I stole it from my teacher. What's left of the cover has been taped on multiple times and the pages are yellow, even though it was new back when I first took it. I read it at least once a year.]
Back when I first read these words in 7th grade, I thought they were so profound. I think I’ve allowed these words to kind of shape some of my outlook on life since way back then, even if I know better.
I really do feel at the top right now.
But–
I really do feel like I can look ahead past the other things at the top of my wheel (time with friends, panama, concert, potential vegas, potential road trip) and pinpoint the exact week when the wheel will begin to turn me downward.
And once it starts turning, it is going to plummet me to the bottom faster than you can say “serious parental health issues,” “long-distance relationship,” or “back to work.”
I know, I know. The world doesn’t quite work that way. But when you’ve kind of internalized this from when you were a 12 year old…
