i actually wrote out a blog post in panama on my phone. but i’m kind of clumsy with my new phone and i deleted the thing before it ever got posted.
just know that i wrote it from a hammock, on a large 2nd story balcony, in the warm ocean breeze, in the middle of the happiest week i’ve had in a long long long time.
in the meantime:
i really do value it when people say they like hanging out with andrew and i and/or compliment us as a couple.
’tis all.
To those who have expressed concern:
1. Thank you so much. Felt the love!
2. My recovery is progressing along.
3. I’ve started to feel weird waves of tingling/throbbing in my lip which sucks, but I think the tiniest bit of feeling rushed in on the way to eat sushi on tuesday after a particularly annoying tingle & throb session. here’s to hoping for more pain in the lip!
4. I think I’m done complaining about my oral surgery. But don’t expect to stop seeing me escape off to the bathroom after the meal until I’m back from Panama!
i know, i know. everybody and their mom get’s their wisdom teeth out. no big deal. i feel so lame to be having a rough recovery, but…
the recovery from my wisdom teeth extraction has left me feeling more like a little kid than i ever thought it would.
i haven’t even had a popsicle or a single cup of jello.
there is just something so bittersweet about being under the constant care and supervision of your parents again.
so bitter.
so sweet.
here’s a video that i apparently made while i was supposed to be knocked out under general anesthesia. it’s very much the opposite of attractive, which also… i find makes it pretty hilarious. umm beware, blood:
i was very belligerently sedated, my favorite thing is when the nurse comes in at the end telling me i’ve GOT TO put the camera away. this is after i’d already gotten my cell phone confiscated after texting andrew that i was drunk of “anastasia.”
aside from the comic relief that finding that video provided for me, i’ve been pretty down this week. being in bed ALL day will take it’s toll on you.
i’ve started reading ebooks on my computer… eat, pray, love and the road. very different from each other, to say the least. not quite into either just yet, but they provide a break from devouring dvd after dvd. i just need to get into their narrative styles… elizabeth gilbert’s reads like a blog, cormac mccarthy reads like… nothing i’ve read before.
other high points = pho w/ julie, my small group hanging out in my room, “once” with andrew, my mom making me spaghetti.
today’s mission: get permission to go to my student’s quinceanera celebration. like i said… i’m under constant parental supervision… which will get you things like the best care in the world and your favorite comfort foods, but it’ll get served up with a side of obligation to listen to their requests.
more real reason for my current case of the sad’s: complications with the surgery=loss of sensation in my bottom lip and chin. perhaps temporary, perhaps permanent. i’ll find out over the next few months. the good thing is that i haven’t experienced too much pain at the extraction sites, and that at least my swelling has continued to go down. for two days there, i got into this place where i was convinced my face would never return to it’s normal appearance. every day i do start to look more like myself though, with one major exception: my smile. i feel the most self conscious when i try to laugh at something.
i really want the sensation in my lip to come back to normal.
“Sunday, July 15
I wish this summer could go on and on and on, and I wish I could always be this happy. It seems that whenever you are sad or just normal, you’re always wishing you were happy, but when you’re happy, you start worrying about when all this happiness is going to end. At least that’s the way I am. Already, I’m worrying that I’m too happy, and I’m either going to have to pay for this or it’s all going to end real soon.
It reminds me of the wheel of fortune that Mrs. Zollar talked about. She said that Shakespeare and all his buddies believed in the wheel of fortune, that your luck kind of went round and round, and when you (or your luck) were at the top, everything would go right. But that it was inevitable that the wheel had to keep spinning, and sooner or later, you’d be at the bottom of the wheel, when everything would go badly. The only thing that kept people from jumping off cliffs when they were at the bottom of the wheel was knowing that sooner or later they would be at the top again.
I feel as if the gods are going to spin my wheel any minute. Oh, pleeease, let me stay where I am for a while!”
~Mary Lou Finney, Absolutely Normal Chaos
[Absolutely Normal Chaos is a novel that I fell in love with in middle school. I picked it up off of the class bookshelf, recognizing the author from Walk Two Moons and decided to try it out. I loved it. My confession: I stole it from my teacher. What's left of the cover has been taped on multiple times and the pages are yellow, even though it was new back when I first took it. I read it at least once a year.]
Back when I first read these words in 7th grade, I thought they were so profound. I think I’ve allowed these words to kind of shape some of my outlook on life since way back then, even if I know better.
I really do feel at the top right now.
But–
I really do feel like I can look ahead past the other things at the top of my wheel (time with friends, panama, concert, potential vegas, potential road trip) and pinpoint the exact week when the wheel will begin to turn me downward.
And once it starts turning, it is going to plummet me to the bottom faster than you can say “serious parental health issues,” “long-distance relationship,” or “back to work.”
I know, I know. The world doesn’t quite work that way. But when you’ve kind of internalized this from when you were a 12 year old…
some weekends
i get smacked in the face with reminders
of how much i love life right now.
<3 happy hour + traveling pants w/ my lb loves
<3 mendocino farms! lunch w/ sally and andrew
<3 watching alice in wonderland w/ my mom… in spanish!
<3 finishing cleaning/rearranging my room, which spurred on the next point…
<3 selling A LOT of BIG stuff at family yard sale that has been taking up tons of space
<3 waking up on saturday to news of a potential for a cool change to be taking place soon
<3 pancakes! and garage sale lounging+silliness w/ monica and danny
<3 cowboy boots. i love love love love love my new kicks!
<3 country dancing. started to work on 2-step and a few line dances. i want to go back every weekend and learn new ones! or at least once a month.
<3 story time at church
<3 mad men i’m working my way through season 1… getting sucked in.
<3 4th of july bbq w/ good food, fun people, and an amazing view, which meant…
<3 watching about 20 (TWENTY!) fireworks shows at once from atop a hill w/ my head resting on a shoulder it loves to lean on.
<3 panama planning
oh life!
even though friday night was the hugest hiccup in plans ever, the weekend turned out to be lovely.
flipping through a new stamp catalog, thinking of what fat food i'm making for a thisiswhyyourefat.com inspired bbq tomorrow…
tuesday i am getting 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed.
oh oral hygiene! going and ruining the mood.
it really wasn’t easy at first.
i’d practically force my heart to burst with happiness thinking of all of the opportunities up ahead. i’d fight to remind myself that He’s got this under control, just like in the past.
it’s actually gotten to the point now where this is [almost] my automatic emotional stance. honestly. the forcing myself to be excited paid off and i’ve become thrilled not only for what i’ve started to do, but also thinking about the amazing life-journeys my friends are embarking upon.
but
i still find myself seriously mourning change. i’ve rather enjoyed seeing friends, family, loved ones… on a consistent basis. i have this [shallow?] terrible fear that i will have as empty a social calendar as i did in high school and community college (aka the lonely years). those were really sad days and nights of crying myself to sleep and wondering when somebody would enjoy spending time with me (embarrassing to admit, but just being honest).
i know, i know. it’s true, i’ve been blessed with relationships that have grown so much these past few years. i’ll see my friends who are still around plenty and it will be wonderful. i’ll focus on learning how to better teach, serve, and love my students (especially the ones who drive me crazy). it’ll be okay. and like i said before, i truly am EXCITED for my loved ones to really start their careers up.
confession: sometimes i wish i didn’t ‘figure myself out’ as early as i did. it makes me wonder if maybe i settled too soon on a life path. i know this is ridiculous, but it’s still there.
maybe it’s my long beach up-bringing… the stay close-to-home mentality that made my move 25 miles away to UCLA a big switch. it didn’t prepare me for people moving FAR to pursue their dreams.
not to thrilling a post, more to mark my process as i begin to prepare myself for what’s up ahead.
