the comment was in regard to me and a friend, back in our younger days. it was something like,
“not only were they always together and REALLY LOUD, they both acted so… white.”
my response was an automatic, faster than I could stop myself,
“YOU ARE SO RACIST!”
–followed by a quick string of half-hearted apologies. i think i accidentally apologized for what i said, but i meant to just apologize for making his awakening so rude.
i surprised him, the people around me, and myself by how quick my reply was. i think what i meant to say was that…
it sucks. it really sucks.
it sucks that after more than a decade of loving, valuing, and trying to be a part of his culture, and loving his people…
the fact that I dared to have acted, for some small era of my life, like i belonged to one of my own cultures is a negative thing.
the fact that at one point, i felt like i had something resembling racial identity, before i learned that neither of mine would be valued anywhere i went, and that neither of my own cultures would call me its own… is what made me such an annoying 7th grader.
it was infuriating.
it didn’t help that i was also annoyed at this person’s immature arrogance & i’d already been perturbed by his commentary on my personal life. i think there are things you just don’t say out loud. especially not to somebody you hardly know. i felt so misunderstood and judged.
but the fact that nobody rushed to say what i said (or had meant to say) first,
made me realize it’s one of the reason’s i’ve been driven away.
