i came out of small group tonight with my chin tilted slightly higher up
and on my mellow drive back home, the sound of this song filled my car
and i know it’s corny, but it kind of sealed the moment for me.
I am alive. I am well. And I am pressing on.
The people I know who were THE MOST obsessed with LOST and THE MOST devastated that their FAVORITE SHOW was ending…
Are the same people who dragged me to the midnight premier for Cloverfield. And made us get there really early to get good seats. And reacted OUT LOUD to the movie. And clapped at the end. And forced us to stay and watch every last credit. And clapped again at the end of the credits. Mother effin Cloverfield!
It was the most pointless loss of sleep ever!
I’m just sayin.
the comment was in regard to me and a friend, back in our younger days. it was something like,
“not only were they always together and REALLY LOUD, they both acted so… white.”
my response was an automatic, faster than I could stop myself,
“YOU ARE SO RACIST!”
–followed by a quick string of half-hearted apologies. i think i accidentally apologized for what i said, but i meant to just apologize for making his awakening so rude.
i surprised him, the people around me, and myself by how quick my reply was. i think what i meant to say was that…
it sucks. it really sucks.
it sucks that after more than a decade of loving, valuing, and trying to be a part of his culture, and loving his people…
the fact that I dared to have acted, for some small era of my life, like i belonged to one of my own cultures is a negative thing.
the fact that at one point, i felt like i had something resembling racial identity, before i learned that neither of mine would be valued anywhere i went, and that neither of my own cultures would call me its own… is what made me such an annoying 7th grader.
it was infuriating.
it didn’t help that i was also annoyed at this person’s immature arrogance & i’d already been perturbed by his commentary on my personal life. i think there are things you just don’t say out loud. especially not to somebody you hardly know. i felt so misunderstood and judged.
but the fact that nobody rushed to say what i said (or had meant to say) first,
made me realize it’s one of the reason’s i’ve been driven away.
you know, midnight movies is a band? they’re pretty good.
but this isn’t about the band. this is about me stealing the band’s name as a title for my blog post bc it sounds catchy and is almost semi-related to what i want to talk about:
movies. & me.
me. & the movies i like.
i like new movies as much as the next person… i just don’t tend to get as excited about them as everybody else. anybody who’s ever tried to have a conversation with me about movies knows that i haven’t seen many “essentials,” that i don’t know one good actor from another… i just have my core group of movies that i like to watch.
i think this is weird.
i don’t know many people who can stand to watch the same thing over and over and over and over again. but i really do. i cycle through the entire gilmore girls series multiple times a year. but this isn’t about gilmore girls. this is about my list of movies that i know and watch/have watched a lot:
~A Walk to Remember
~Mean Girls
~Bring it On
~10 Things I Hate About You
~Garden State
~Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind
~Definitely Maybe
~Moulin Rouge
~How to Deal
~The Inside man
~Wedding Crashers
~Once
~500 Days of Summer
~Amelie
~Little Miss Sunshine
~Coyote Ugly
~Sweet Home Alabama
And that’s it. Super random list, right? I know that some logical connections can be drawn between a few of these movies, but a few (The Inside Man?) really stick out as strange. Interestingly enough, most (though of course not all) of these movies came out in high school. And my allegiance to them never faded, despite a plethora of newer, quality movies emerging.
Don’t get me wrong. I have seen some fabulous movies since 2004 (uh duh since some of them are on that list). I have seen fabulous movies in the past month and even week. I’m excited for new movies that are coming out. But there’s something about these movies that just gets me. It’s not even that I loved life so much when most of these movies came out, because goodness knows I was not the happiest teen.
Maybe there’s just something to the fact that I took comfort in these movies in times when I felt like a lonely, boring, outcast.
The more current movies on the list… are just beautiful films that I love, however cliche (being that I was a college student in LA when they came out) it might be to say that I love some of those more artsy flick.
Why the post?
Because I’m kind of delirious on a Friday night. An overwhelming need to SLEEP came over me twice earlier tonight and I am AWAKE now and trying to decide what to watch.
And being awake past 2 makes me excited for a Summer to watch all sorts of movies.
Now the question is… will I watch new movies? Or continue to demonstrate my memorization of the Coyote Ugly script?
Summer activities I am excited about (although these activities aren’t actually exciting), aka, my productive list:
-sleep
-organizing my shelf… make that organizing my entire room….
-catching up on doctor’s appointments
-group exercise class at the gym
-reading the novels i plan to teach next year
-planning curriculum for next year
Summer activities I am excited about (that are truly exciting), aka, my fun fun fun list:
-?
-??
-???
No, I’m not bummed about Summer, I’m just curious as to what those 7 glorious weeks will hold for me.
When I’m standing upon that shore
All the battles I’ve gone before
i will trust in you
& i will not be afraid.
“Don’t stop come a little closer
As we jam the rhythm gets stronger
There’s nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long”
Two years ago, Andrew and I went out dancing at an 80′s club on a Sunday night. We went in as friends, with two other friends, but after a night of dancing, “Take My Breath Away,” and late night Thai food, we emerged as something more.
[Truthfully, we emerged confused and freaked out and in serious need of a talk... but we had that talk, and the rest is history]
2 years.
2 years.
For many people 2 years is a tiny fraction of time to be spent in a relationship.
For others, 2 years is a huge far off milestone.
For me, 2 years marks the best 2 years of my life.
Amidst the questions and insecurities found in all relationships, I’ve learned to love, and to love deeply.
If you read back through my oldest blog entries (but… please don’t, I was an idiot), I wondered if love was something I would ever allow myself to experience. Though there were many emotional barriers to break through, being in love has been a sweet and wonderful experience.
What happens next? It’s hard to say… neither of us know quite yet. I’m changing to a different, higher-stakes teaching position. He’s moving to Wisconsin for Law School, a reality that is still setting in. We both have wishes for our relationship and a Summer to try to figure it out in, but it’ll take a whole lot more than a wish for it to work out.
Hope. Enduring love. Commitment. …& a whole lot more.
I love you Andrew, and I hope with all my heart that next year we’ll be celebrating our 3rd year anniversary. I’m so appreciative for all that we’ve shared and experienced these past two years. I’ve learned so much, felt so much, laughed so much, loved so much, and it has been wonderful.
This Saturday, we celebrate!
honestly
between dinner with julie
tons of fun celebrating sally’s birthday
eating yummy banana walnut pancakes w/ alex and andrew
getting cheap & lengthy massage/reflexology treatment with my love
celebrating my mommy
i have appreciated this weekend so much, especially in the face of the intense stress and pressures i have felt for the past few weeks.
i just wish
that i was able to remain emotionally stable throughout my hard work weeks
[is it my responsibility for this to happen?]
because my insecurities tend to reveal themselves in the midst
of times that would be best spent enjoying life
rather than freaking out over little things.
today a student called me a retard. and she did a very dramatic job of it.
…seriously.
i couldn’t decide if i felt more like laughing or crying in that moment.
Moments of peace within the craziness.
<3 dinner with ashley
<3 pilates class
<3 tacos and Up in the Air with Andrew.
<3 my newly created breakfast sandwich recipe
<3 season 1 of Gilmore Girls (I need to buy a new copy of S1 and S5. I’ve worn them out and they don’t work properly anymore. Ehhh I need help)
It’s hard to believe that THIS amount of super craziness will be over in about 1 week. Then like 3 more weeks of slightly reduced chaos, and then I am GRADUATING.
I’ve never worked so hard in my entire life.
