Over the past three weeks, I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel. A trip to the wonderful city in Manhattan, and a trip to snowboard in the powdery wonder of snow that is Utah. Between flights, subway rides, and countless rides down snowy slopes, I had a lot of time to think of things. Random things.
And so, these are my thoughts:
-the worst feelings in the world (some are emotional, some are physical): turbulence, being caught doing something you’re not supposed to do, being stuck in snow, feeling too hot, nausea, wiping out, feeling in danger
-I love my students. And they definitely affect me. But I don’t like it when people say that their speech is rubbing off on me.
A few years ago, before teaching, I had friends who were quick to remind me that I am not a gangster, so I should stop talking like one (seriously, this has been said). I also had friends who said I was so innocent, spoke like a “white girl,” whatever that means. Now, people say that I’m talking like my students. Sure, I might have learned a few new words and a few new songs, but I still talk the way I’ve always talked. People just don’t know me that well. Everybody in the world seems to think I act too “white” or too “ghetto,” and well… there are a lot of cultures that make me who I am.
So yes, you can say that my students have taught me a few new dance moves and taught me the name of them. Yes, my heart has broken so much more often since I took on this job. Yes, my students infuriate me and make me love humanity all at the same time. Yes, my life is suddenly filled with purpose. They absolutely impact me. But my language? I speak like I always have.
-There is so much growing that I have to do. Sometimes my work makes me feel so empowered, so driven. So many other times, I feel tiny. So powerless. So broken. So useless. And it is really easy to be hard on myself about it. But the encouraging words of a few people who remind me that I’m still figuring it out, that I’m new. That having the desire is a huge part of the battle that I’ve already one… those words have helped me stay confident.
Ulitmately, I think I chose a good time to travel. Traditionally, January is a very hard month for teachers, especially new teachers. There were times when I doubted the appropriateness of taking a few days off, and believe me, I am definitely seeing the results of my absence in the class. But I am so grateful for the opportunities to go on these trips.
And don’t let this post mislead you, I was not angry and upset the whole time that I traveled. My travels were amazing.
Friends, when we were laughing, eating, exploring, and just being who we are, I was struck so many times by how much I absolutely LOVE life right now. A few years ago, I don’t think I could have imagined being so happy and feeling so fulfilled as I do now. Thank you for your support, thanks for being my companions; thanks for loving me and letting me love you.
