Changeable.net

yesterday i felt like crap.

i know that there are things that i am obligated to report, and that honestly… i should report, even if it wasn’t required.

a small part of me fears the system. fears what will happen after reporting, fears that a life will be made more miserable.

a small part of me selfishly wishes that just my listening is enough. that my words will be powerful enough. but i know they’re not.

still, the words, “you lied. i’m very angry. i’m going to leave now,” dug at me, however calmly they were spoken. did i betray confidence? will she be in trouble? will other people help her more than i can and love her more than i do?

but then this morning she came in. no she didn’t apologize, and no, i didn’t explain myself. we didn’t even talk about it. but she came in with 2 CDs.

“i brought some music for you to listen to…” and we played oldies love songs for 15 minutes.

and we’re okay.

i love that i’m someone they can talk to. someone who can listen without the judgment that the 14 year olds surrounding them will struggle to avoid. but man, it’s hard.

i need wisdom, i need discernment. i need endurance. resilience.

love.

on a much lighter note,

it’s very awkward to read go ask alice to my 10th grade class, especially since i’ve never read it before and have no idea what gems might be awaiting me on the next page.* one second she’s whining about school, the next second she’s doing heroin, the next second she’s losing her virginity, the next second i’m saying every profanity possible out loud.

i also have always running coming up this year. while i’ve never read it in its entirety, i’ve read enough to know that i get to read very graphic multiple orgasm discriptions.

oh, too inappropriate for my blog? think of how i feel saying “cocksucker” in front of my students!

hahaha. they are definitely engaged in the book, even if i would have felt so guilty reading these books as a high school student. funny days in the classroom.

*disclaimer: i’m not a bad teacher [at least not bc of this!]. instead of just doing school-wide “ssr,” we do “read in,” where the whole class is reading the same book together, having good reading modeled to them. they are high-interest books, and we’re not supposed to go crazy teaching them. the point is to show that reading can be entertaining, not that you have to write an essay and do a lit circle for each book.

I think the most positive (and yet, most heartbreaking) moments that I’ve had this week have been one on one conversations with students. I got a substitute teacher on Tuesday and spent the day just talking with 16 students. I thought I would have loads of extra time once my quick conversation goals were met, but no, the day was quickly consumed with stories. I felt privileged to have them share their lives with me.

I can’t even put the intensity of their lives into words. So many terrible situations, hard lessons learned. But a common thread was that despite everything… despite foster homes, social workers, abuse, the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, the violence, and the constant messages of I don’t care about you… “this is my school. people care. YOU care.” And yes, I do. I absolutely do. Despite the obvious desire to sleep in until 9am and go spend 10 dollars on lunch with friends… I was thrilled to see them again. “YOU understand.” Do I? I try. I understand is that it sucks. All I understand is that I care about them. But I don’t understand why it has to be this way. I don’t understand what I can do. I know that listening, talking, and interceding for them are is so worthwhile. That looking up bus routes so he can get from his new foster home to our school, the one place where people genuinely care about him, so at least THAT can remain constant in his life… that these things are good. That laughing with her, validating the lessons that she has learned are important…

But what more? They deserve more than me. They deserve more than the smile that the 5 other teachers they’ll see today can give them. They need more.

For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City