Changeable.net

As far as relationships go, this weekend was a good one. I got to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday, see a lot of people (some unexpected, some planned, some for short periods of time, others for extended) that I love.

But nothing can change the fact that I really HATE what grad school and student teaching is doing to my relationships. Today I officially pulled myself out from one particular commitment/obligation, which was freeing but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed in myself. My perspective is starting to change as I begin thinking about letting go of control and (hopefully) let go of stress as a result. I am re-examining my attitude toward all of my relationships and what my attitude and role should be… but in the mean time, I cannot stand the feeling that I am being a horrible friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter, cohort-mate, roommate, you name it. I feel terrible. I want to be there for everybody, but I can’t. I feel other peoples’ pain to the point that its overwhelming and I do not know what to do with myself. I think I am an unpleasant person to be around right now. Stressed beyond belief, on the verge of tears, demanding of my own space, and yet needy at the same time.

Just a complicated mess that I would hate to be around.

I’m sorry.

(and I’m sorry for this disgusting post. I really shouldn’t allow myself to log on when I’m feeling like this.)