Posted in March 2009

food for thought, food for the angels

I snooze for about an hour. I know, I know… I think to myself. I should be up. I should be helping with food distribution this morning. I’ve never gone before and I do not know what it will be like. It’s not that I am dreading it… I am just plain tired. It is Saturday and my bed, even with its tangled web of sheets, blankets, and pillows, is too delicious to abandon. Finally the guilty obligation sets in and I pull myself out of bed.

On goes the same purple tshirt that I have been wearing every weekend in Long Beach. I throw on the only jeans and only pair of shoes I brought for the weekend. My hair gets thrown up in a messy ponytail. I forget to put on make-up, even the most minimal amount of eyeliner that I’ve worn every day since junior year of high school. I rush on down to 9th and Atlantic and arrive 10 minutes late.

I’m not the only one who is late. The food truck was late to Carson. I brace myself. I’m not panicking… it is not my project, I’m just here to help out a little. But I am prepared for people to complain. I am used to customers, acquaintances, and friends who freak out and get unnecessarily upset at waiters and cashiers, people just trying to do their job when they happen to mess up a little. Sure, these people are getting a good deal… enough fresh food to feed a family for a week for only 30 bucks. But when have I known others to be patient when we’re in a spot? They thought they could pick the food up now, and the food wouldn’t be ready for another hour or so? This could get ugly.

But no.

The community filed into the church, smiling, understanding. Enjoying a cup of coffee and filing into the pews to wait for the truck to arrive… even if the pot was brewed from the last few grinds of 3 or 4 different batches of beans. And then the truck arrived. And we all went out and brought in hundreds of boxes. By we, I don’t just mean the 8 or so of us who actually go to church there… I mean everybody. Everybdoy who was physically able was smiling and bringing in box after box of eggs, meat, vegetables, pastas, milk. People I have never seen before. People I expected to be angry and yell at us, yell at me when there was nothing I could do differently. When there was nothing ANYBODY there could have done differently. And then, everybody waited patiently as we got the food sorted out and put in order.

“We’ll take box #1!” And we’re off. We fill bags, grocery carts, boxes with groceries. In less than an hour, we’ve finished distributing the food.

“Thank you so much! You don’t know how much this helps us!”
“I like your shirt! Palomar observatory, huh?”
“Meatballs! These meatballs are amazing!”
“Hello!”
And then just the smiling faces. And putting a bag of chopped ham into the grocery bag of little children “helping” their aunts, uncles, and grandparents with the “shopping.”

I came to serve. Scratch that, not even. I came to help a friend out… and because I did not have other plans for my morning.
But instead I was served. I was blessed.
In those minutes when “The truck is here!” was murmured through the masses and everybody jumped up to lug in the boxes, I was more happy than I have been in a long long time.


This is family. This is happiness. This is community.
This is understanding. This is collaboration.
And beyond that… this is love.

Thank you, Angelfood. (spread the word).

grrrroan

Sometimes I think I would be much much better off if I focused in on the things that are going well rather than on the few things that are not as perfect as could be.

For example, today was a perfectly lovely lovely lovely day. Class was excellent… and so cute! We had a “Character’s Coffeehouse” with chocolate milk in little cups and chocolate cookies shaped like biscotti… and yeah I really liked it. My guiding teacher told me class was great and effective and a group of students asked me if I was teaching there next year so they could be in my class <3.Then dim sum with Andrew’s grandparents who were so sweet. I am constantly blown away by how great his family is. Then long phone chats and thinking about camping during Spring Break… And Friday night w/ lbfc loves, a fun and laid back evening.

I should be grateful but instead I feel like a failure. Perspective, Esther, perspective! Today was a good day!

I want to love others like I have been loved.

digging in my heels?

I may whine, complain, moan, and groan when I have to grade papers and lesson plan, but so far… I’m really happy with teaching. Even though some days really suck and some students are not so nice. And I am so so SO thankful for guiding teachers who invite me to see their band play and take me to local coffee shops to lesson plan <3

Today my 7th graders are taking a state writing test. I’m proud. Of them and of myself, because I really do feel like they’re prepared and because we had fun doing it.

After that, I visit Gompers middle school in Watts. Hopefully they won’t want me to teach English, Acrobatics, and Ancient history.

Recession-proof jobs.

Seeing beautiful old houses sometimes makes me tear up. I cannot explain it.

Today, as I was driving to a new middle school opening up in ktown that my teacher education program was invited to come and visit, I found myself driving through a neighborhood of 200 year old mansions. The area is very clearly an affluent area, one that I could probably never hope to live in, but it made me so happy to drive through it and think of the possibility of teaching in an adjacent area next year. I crossed a few major streets and found myself in a land of small, old (craftsman-style in some cases, and just plain OLD and run down in others) buildings. A block away, giant high rises. Yogurt stands, cute Korean coffee shops and tons of KBBQ, stores advertising “antojitos mexicanos,” cheap clothing stores, designer dress shops… all mixed together. The meeting together of some of the richest and poorest LA residents all in a 2 mile radius. I absolutely love it, I get a high off of driving in areas like that. Areas that do not appear to be perfect by any means… but that just seem so… real.

I walked into a beautiful new middle school. A middle school I’ve driven past a few times and wondered about on our way to grab some yummy Korean food. Everything inside is perfect. Everything is wonderful. 1 computer to every 2 students in every classroom. Projectors and microphones and basketball courts and cool looking desks and chairs that slide easily rather than scraping the tiles.

The principle used to be at Los Angeles School of Global Studies. His students were the ones that wrote the stories in Walking Through Walls. WHAT?!? I HELPED EDIT THAT BOOK! My name is inside of it! I poured through all of those stories for hours and hours and oh my gosh what a coincidence!

I want to be here.

But then… they separate the genders. And maybe it is a REALLY great thing, but I’m not sure how much I buy it. Maybe I’m ignorant (very willing to accept that this might be the case), but I feel part of me wincing as they describe how all middle school females are compared to all middle school males. Some stuff seems kind of valid. Other stuff like “girls appreciate environments with soft seats and casual pillows” making me wonder a bit more. Okay, well… I have a lot to learn, I do not know anything about this really and it could be a great thing.

But then… we only have a budget for 28 teachers. Total. There are more than 30 of us UCLAers in there. Oh and they already have about 10 English teachers, so they’re good on that. But if we’re willing to take some extra classes and CSETS… can we teach Health? Spanish? P.E.? Engineering? Especially engineering. …Engineering?!? Really? “Some of you are excellent test takers, take advantage of that!” What?!? Yes, I am a very good test taker. Yes, I could study a bit and pass those classes. But I am in no way QUALIFIED to be teaching those things. I can cram and take a science or math test… but that does not mean I have any business teaching Physics or Algebra. That is entirely a disservice to these students. And that’s what they want? “We’re especially interested in hiring somebody who can teach Math and Music.”

Very humbling to be invited as a school and then realize the principle knows nothing about us. Sure, we’ll have master’s degrees. Sure we’ll be coming from the #1 public grad school of education (#3 overall) (excuse my arrogance). But… “oh… your program is too demanding to let you get 3 more credentials at once? So… none of you are qualified to teach Engineering, Spanish, ESL, and Health all in one day? Hmm.. that’s… tough…”

And then… leaving the area misty-eyed not because of the architecture, history, and diversity, but because I am not going to be given a chance to be a part of it. Because they are going to give my job to some “genius” who took 5 tests and now claims to be qualified enough to teach Chemistry, Spanish, and Dance. All in a day’s work.

shot heard round the world

Today started good. My lesson went well (I really <3 my kids, btw), my students had me in their “top 8″ on this “myspace” assigment we’re doing, I had good planning sessions with both my teachers… yay.

Then, I saw two people (adults) get shot as I was driving the 5 blocks between my middle school and the freeway.

How was your day?

grad school + relationships = blahhh

As far as relationships go, this weekend was a good one. I got to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday, see a lot of people (some unexpected, some planned, some for short periods of time, others for extended) that I love.

But nothing can change the fact that I really HATE what grad school and student teaching is doing to my relationships. Today I officially pulled myself out from one particular commitment/obligation, which was freeing but I couldn’t help feeling disappointed in myself. My perspective is starting to change as I begin thinking about letting go of control and (hopefully) let go of stress as a result. I am re-examining my attitude toward all of my relationships and what my attitude and role should be… but in the mean time, I cannot stand the feeling that I am being a horrible friend, sister, girlfriend, daughter, cohort-mate, roommate, you name it. I feel terrible. I want to be there for everybody, but I can’t. I feel other peoples’ pain to the point that its overwhelming and I do not know what to do with myself. I think I am an unpleasant person to be around right now. Stressed beyond belief, on the verge of tears, demanding of my own space, and yet needy at the same time.

Just a complicated mess that I would hate to be around.

I’m sorry.

(and I’m sorry for this disgusting post. I really shouldn’t allow myself to log on when I’m feeling like this.)

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