10th week. Typically a period of pretending to work for a long time, and then putting in a few hours of actual hard work. Yesterday afternoon included about 45 minutes of ranting to Andrew (still not sure if it would have been better left silent within me, or if I should be glad I let it out) about my frustrations and dissapointments in academics. Not so much the how am I going to take care of all of these assignments, but more of if this is supposed to be the 3rd best education program, and I can handle this, then what does that say about higher eduation in general? Not a great way to look at things. Self-deprication and arrogance all at once? What a winning combination.
Now that I think about it though, I guess a huge component of my program at least is that we are not dominated by grades. Sure, one can scrape by doing a miniumum of work and get the same grade as one who goes above and beyond, but they’re putting us above grades. Giving us the choice to make the most of our time here. We all pay our 10-grand a year and it is up to us to really take what we’re given and either sit on the information and get A’s, or if we want… to actually think critically about practical issues, allowing ourselves to be equipped with the knowledge we’ll need to succeed out there. While the theory in and of itself is not complicated… it’s straightforward and makes a lot of sense… the application of it is anything but simple.
My annoyances were that the in-class work is “easy,” that I am a “self-learner” (even though apparently learning styles are actually irrelevant — interesting), and sitting through these classes is the sacrifice I must make to have a graduate degree from ucla. While the actual time teaching has been anything but easy (and I am terrified of the student teaching ahead of me), it is a component I would have in most any credential program. What I had failed to realize is that this is my chance to interact with the best in the field of education, my opportunity to use the best resources that are available, my chance to become empowered, my chance to truly learn on my own, without the pressure of keeping my gpa up. My chance to be equipped to do the work God has put ahead of me. The thought that I truly am in charge of my education is exciting, as well as extremely humbling.
Thinking back, I know that undergrad could have also been a time to truly learn rather than a time to just complete assignments so that I could have that degree… that true learning was supposed to be the whole point of getting into debt to go to a top university. I am envious of people who have really made the best of their academic time in undergrad… not only the extra-curriculars. There’s no use in wishing to redo that, so instead, I can look ahead.
I have 4 papers to do, and admittedly, they could be taken care of pretty easily. That was fine when I was defending my argument when it had to do gender roles Toni Morrison or Shakespeare. But this is so much more important. Now is my time to really think about my future as a teacher, and to begin making my contribution in trying to figure the whole mess of education out.
Just pray that when I lose heart (because I know I will), I would regain my vision, and that my insecure pride would be replaced by humble compassion.
