Changeable.net

It’s not that I liked my first year at ucla more than I like what’s going on right now… because I love so much of how things are now.

But I miss clinging to my long beach family while also grasping my new communities at UCLA. I miss hours-long conversations with Kendra and Kimberly as we got to know each other. I miss sitting on my closet floor underneath coats and jackets talking every night away with Julie. I miss mid-week visits to Disneyland. Driving to Long Beach and hanging out with everybody there.

I love things now, but I miss feeling connected. I miss diving deep into friendships new and old. I miss knowing all that is going on with everybody in Long Beach and everybody there knowing what I’ve been up to.

I miss getting back from St. Louis and knowing that I was changed and committed to helping others find that change in themselves.

I miss having the energy for it all.

I don’t know if it is all stuff that just had to change, or they are things that I let happen. I don’t like the disconnect. I don’t like the contempt and bitterness inside of me. I don’t know where it’s coming from or what to do about it.

I’m now starting to worry about next year; where I will want to live, who I will live with, what it will be like. Somewhere in LA? Back to Long Beach? I know I can trust that God will provide… that whatever it is, it will be right for that time in my life, that it will be good and exciting in its own way.

I guess I just wish that I could hold on to the good things from every phase of my life and bring them all together. Rather than having to leave certain pleasant times behind.