Posted in November 2008 …

Nov 28 2008
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life in general, thoughts

because I haven’t already written enough this week

-I’m making progress toward contentment
-I’ve got a weird sickness. I don’t have horrible symptoms, but I’ll suddenly realize that I need to throw up, and I’m constantly very tired.
-I need to not start stressing about my future whereabouts.
-Sigh sigh sigh.
-Thankful thankful thankful

All in all, the events of this week have been very fun… a birthday, Thanksgiving, the weekend’s upcoming sports events, dinner with my parents, and another birthday are cool. I’d say my mood has just been affected by my current biological state. Plus things have slowed down which means I cannot push my worries aside with the busyness.

But I love and am loved by those that are important.

Thanksgiving with Andrew’s family was a lot of fun (even if my sickness paid a visit mid-dinner) (and even though I was super nervous), and now, grabbing tea and watching 6 guys play rock band is cool too. Even if I’m the only girl…

Nov 25 2008
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aching for relationships

It’s not that I liked my first year at ucla more than I like what’s going on right now… because I love so much of how things are now.

But I miss clinging to my long beach family while also grasping my new communities at UCLA. I miss hours-long conversations with Kendra and Kimberly as we got to know each other. I miss sitting on my closet floor underneath coats and jackets talking every night away with Julie. I miss mid-week visits to Disneyland. Driving to Long Beach and hanging out with everybody there.

I love things now, but I miss feeling connected. I miss diving deep into friendships new and old. I miss knowing all that is going on with everybody in Long Beach and everybody there knowing what I’ve been up to.

I miss getting back from St. Louis and knowing that I was changed and committed to helping others find that change in themselves.

I miss having the energy for it all.

I don’t know if it is all stuff that just had to change, or they are things that I let happen. I don’t like the disconnect. I don’t like the contempt and bitterness inside of me. I don’t know where it’s coming from or what to do about it.

I’m now starting to worry about next year; where I will want to live, who I will live with, what it will be like. Somewhere in LA? Back to Long Beach? I know I can trust that God will provide… that whatever it is, it will be right for that time in my life, that it will be good and exciting in its own way.

I guess I just wish that I could hold on to the good things from every phase of my life and bring them all together. Rather than having to leave certain pleasant times behind.

Nov 25 2008
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bliss

alas

there is a lot to be thankful for.

ucla pt.1 complete, ucla pt. 2 begun (seem to be surviving), health insurance + the treatments [so far] still being bearable, a.wei, wedding, #6 and all the beautiful ladies within, lbfc family,

and finally… a happy spell, because it had been a while.

Nov 25 2008
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life in general, thoughts

prior thanking in previous years

2007
Tension and Dana Point

2006
Faking our traditions

2005
dscn0444

2004
dscn2101

2003
_-091

Before these years of ocean there were three years of deserts. In tents.

And the year before that there was the hospital.

And the years before that were in Orange County, enjoying traditional Thanksgiving as it should be.

In some ways, I’m looking forward to the holiday this year, very much so. Nervous but happy excitement.
In other ways, it’s just so easy to sink into melancholic longing for the days that simply cannot be anymore.

Perhaps I shall go for a drive and sink into the desert or the central coast.
Or perhaps I will let myself be joyful with those who I love.

Nov 25 2008
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not so long ago

I guess you could say I’m a little afraid
What if you go away?
I’ve seen it before
I’ve been here before
If I have to love myself, tell me how to love myself
What’s there to love about myself?
I just want to see that, as a person, you want me

But I’m feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I’m thinking you’re just gonna run away
And I can’t catch you

I guess I would say that I want you to stay
‘Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black as you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free

Nov 23 2008
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thoughts

after a quiet saturday

lots of greatness, lots to be improved on… such is life

“The Harvester is near
His blade is on your skin
To plant a new beginning.”

Well then let the cut begin

But I need love
It is patience, it is kindness
I need love
It is rain after the dryness
I need love
Sister Wisdom, help me see
It’s the one thing that I need
The only thing that I need

…but yes, lots and lots of greatness. mush.

Nov 16 2008
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thoughts

Flames.

Fires raging in the hills, in the valleys, and in our friends’ neighborhoods. Heartbreaking.

And then there’s also the fire raging within me.

Empty me.

Nov 11 2008
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Amazo, bliss

11/11!

Why no weekend update this time around? The weekend was hard. Parts of it were good, but it kind of sucked. Maybe I’ll write more about that later.

Today, however… is my favorite day of the year. Even more exciting, today also marks 6 months of bliss with a certain young gentleman. Thank you thank you thank you for constant laughter, honest conversation, surprises, understanding, and love.

I’m allowed a small amount of mush every now and then… and this is one of those times!

Nov 10 2008
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Cambodia

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122609572818809585.html

Yay? Or not? Seems like a lot has changed in Phnom Penh since I was there. Not that it was by any means a rural village when I was there, but these pictures make it seem a bit different. Or maybe it’s just the work of the photographer and writer. I won’t pretend to really know if the modernization is a good thing or a bad thing, I’m pretty sure there’s good and bad to it all. Regardless, I’d be interested in checking it out… seeing what’s up. Oh, to have money for traveling again.

Nov 02 2008
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I know it’s corny, but…

Jars of Clay’s first 2 albums are STILL some of my favorite music ever.

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