Posted in October 2008 …

Oct 30 2008
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bliss, thoughts

late thursday morning on my balcony

Not too hot for my liking, the sun still hiding behind other buildings
Clear view of the hills or mountains or whatever they are just northwest of me
Silence broken by my morning becomes electic podcast
In n out smells wafting up the hills into the apartments
11am and I hear the bells on campus
Someone’s cooking bacon. Though I don’t really eat it anymore, the smell is nostalgic, remembering Saturday mornings at home with my family… pancakes and bacon and tortillas and beans and syrup, stuffing my little girl body with more food than I could possibly eat if I tried to now

Having a moment to catch my breath and think.

Oct 30 2008
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life in general

anticipation

When we look back on previous bouts of anticipation that culminated in big moments (a memorable conversation, a packed day, a first kiss…) it is easy to laugh about the agonized excitement of not knowing how things would go or what would actually happen. Would it be a disaster, would it go perfectly as expected, would it be just what we needed, would it be better than we could have imagined? But then whatever the big event was, if we can look back on it and just laugh about the hours, minutes, and/or seconds leading up to it, it obviously went fine.

All of this is to say… that my current anticipation is killing me! I want to believe that I can trust it to not go horribly, and I think I mostly do believe that. Right now though, my fear of losing what I have is enough to shake all of my assurances. However, I am glad to have something to anticipate, and that ideally, it means things (eventually) better than they currently are.

And while things are far from perfect, I am still generally pleased. And the thought that it could be even better is a nice one.

But gaaaaaaaaah the nervous anticipation!

Oct 27 2008
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life in general, thoughts

complex

Sometimes I just wish feelings and thoughts and situations could be a lot more simple.

I guess that having to work for happiness and good makes them even more valuable and worthwhile.

But that doesn’t stop me from having split-seconds thoughts in which I wish all the good things that I have and could potentially have would just be handed to me on a silver platter.

I know that I can trust though. I can trust God and you and you and you to pull me through… so I can fully enjoy these good things. Rather than pull away from them.

I don’t even know what I mean anymore.

Some thing are good though! Don’t get me wrong, they really are. There are just complications crowding in on perfection.

Oct 25 2008
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bliss, grad school, life in general

recipe for a chill saturday evening

First, spend the hours leading up to evening being productive. (ex: go to the gym, clean out your kitchen cabinets, put away laundry, find a Halloween costume, have a good conversation with a close friend who also happens to be your roommate).

Then, get together all of the articles that you have to read during the upcoming week. While it’s a fat stack, it will seem more manageable when you actually see it in front of you. Enjoy those readings, even if they are mandatory and you’re too immature to enjoy doing that which is required of you.

Continue by going to your current favorite coffee shop. Criteria for current favorite coffee shop: must be independently owned, within driving distance, offer free parking, and have cushy couches, good coffee, Russian fruitcake.

Spend a couple of hours studying, pausing periodically to joke and laugh with aforementioned roommate, while listening to MGMT and Elliott Smith. Which you can do, because you’re at your current favorite coffeeshop, and they play MGMT and Elliot Smith.

Finally, smile and enjoy your finished product. Because even though you spent the day and evening doing things you actually should be doing… you enjoyed it.

Oct 25 2008
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Uncategorized

me one year ago

my stomach still churns.

Oct 24 2008
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grad school, life in general, teaching

young and old

#1 time I felt grown up this week: staying up until 3:45am last night to finish my lesson plans for the next three weeks, when I will be teaching 11th grade English.

#1 time I felt like a kid this week: staying up until 3:45am last night because I went to the midnight showing of High School Musical 3.

It’s kind of fun/funny to have this contrast. Today I was meeting up with the rest of my team outside of the high school we’ve been observing at, talking our teacher-talk when one of them asked me about the fake Wildcats tattoo on my arm. In a school where a lot of the students have full sleeves of real tattoos, it really is amusing.

It’s been an overwhelming week, but it has been good to work through a lot of things, academically and personally. This morning was busy, but with afternoon came a peace that I’ve been craving, so thank you. Tonight has been chill, and I am looking forward to refueling over the next 2 days. I’ll certainly need it for this upcoming week.

(why are my posts now just an assessment of my past week and my wishes for the upcoming?)

Oct 19 2008
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bliss

fortunately…

This last week did in fact turn out to be manageable. To say the least!

Still super busy, but a lot of wonderful things happened…

Kicking school in the butt for a change, being visited by 2 of my favorite ladies from LB, Korean BBQ, visits from “2″ old roomies, strange German festivities, a football game we actually won, and best of all… talking until 4am.

I love. It is true.

Sending out a prayer and a wish for another good week.

Oct 12 2008
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bliss

the assesment.

Some weekends are just beautiful.
Some weekends are a blast at the same time that they are chill.
Some weekends make you believe you’re ready to take on the next 5 days.

In chronological order: Thanks to Alpine Village for blowing off steam, to Jake for getting married, to Andrew for continuing to be amazing, and to LBFC (especially Monica, Julie, & Sitha!) for a fun Sunday afternoon.

Oct 09 2008
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grad school

so it continues

I keep going back and forth between being sure this is where I’m supposed to be and what I want to be doing… and then feeling inadequate, exhausted, in over my head.

I think the early mornings wouldn’t be as bad if everybody else had them too… Also if everybody else had zero stamina left like me to hang out at night. Because I feel granny status. I suppose wishing everybody else had to stay in is selfish though. And eventually everybody has to grow into an adult schedule. I just wish I wasn’t about to call it a night at 10:45PM on Thursday night.

Hopefully it’s just an adjustment time. And not a preview to the rest of my life!

whine whine whine. complain complain complain. lame lame lame.
lucky lucky lucky. blessed blessed blessed. thankful thankful thankful.

Oct 04 2008
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website

test test test

woooooooo

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