3 blog posts in 2 hours? That’s just nuts. But whatever. I would say that this has been a big week for me in terms of introspective thought, and it is showing no signs of slowing.
“So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home”
And with that, good night!
“If I told you a secret
You won’t tell a soul
Will you hold it and
Keep it alive
Cause it’s burning a hole
And I can’t get to sleep
And I can’t live alone
In this life
So look up, take it away
And you stand at the crossroads
Of highroads and lowroads
And I’ve got a feeling
It’s right
If it’s real what I’m feeling
There’s no make believing
So take me, don’t leave me
Take me, don’t leave me
Baby, love will come through
It’s just waiting for you” -Travis aka Garden State Soundtrack.
Not entirely ‘secret.’ But semi. More importantly, thinking about secrets. And unspoken wishes. And the need to somehow be able to trust God if those secrets are never revealed and those wishes can’t come true. But I think (hope?) they might.
And I really need to cancel this domain and move into the realm of actual secret (or limited) blogging, because this? This is me needing an outlet, and sharing too much of myself and being more vulnerable than I ought to be to an open audience. Sorry.
“Tonight I watch the lights go out in your house
Wondering how I could get so deep
And you could still get sleep
In vain I blame my trembling on the cold air
And I can’t hide that I’ve relied on you…”
– SC, She Paints Me Blue
In terms of the outside world, I guess you could say that this week has been one in which I have felt the urgent need to grow up, and to become truly independent (in terms of emotional, physical, and financial needs) of everybody.
In terms of my emotional world, I am finding that letting go and actually doing this is terrifying, trying, difficult to figure out, and potentially impossible.
Not to say it was a bad week; it was a great one, filled with good times and good conversations. Just that I have huge leaps of growth and learning ahead of me (not even mentioning grad school, which started today, which will be even more learning).
Let’s just hope that my relationships are strengthened rather than damaged as I learn to truly appreciate them rather than using them as a crutch. Sorry if I mess up.
…was mucho great. Mucho love. From mucho people. Or at least the important ones.
And now I am thinking a lot and realizing a bunch of stuff.
Life, it can be beautiful.
…and potentially lots of work.
Today, at the gym, I realized (again) what weakling I am. Not because I was particularly disappointed in how I was doing (because I did good! and it was fun!), but because I was about ready to throw up after less than 45 minutes of it all, haha.
Here’s something that’s been bothering me: how come everybody I complained to about a leg cramp I got in my sleep told me to drink water and eat bananas? When does everybody learn these pearls of wisdom? Why was I left in the dark for so many years? Do you know how many nights I have been jolted awake by excruciating pain in my calves?!?
And how is it possible that I, of all people, would need to drink more water?!? I already drink more of my beloved h20 than nearly anybody I know, and I go to the bathroom to empty my tank often enough to prove it. While I don’t eat an entire bunch of bananas every morning, I’d say I eat my fair share of them too.
This post was unexciting. But these thoughts (okay fine, along with a few others) are the ones I ponder deeply when I’m not in school.
Speaking of school… I start big girl school in a few weeks (1.5?); I am excited and terrified! A month from now I might be laughing at myself for freaking out. But there’s also a good chance I will be sitting in the corner, pulling my hair out, and crying because I cannot handle everything on my plate. Let’s hope for the first, if only because I like my current haircut. I don’t know if I will be going to any of the supplemental social events that have been planned, but dude. They sure baby the grad students at ucla. I’ve gotten more invitations to nearly-swanky events and mixers this week than I ever got as an undergrad here. I definitely appreciate it, but I mean… I’ve already decided to come here, it’s not like they have to woo me in.
Hopefully working out (I’ll stock up on water bottles and potassium sources) will be able to continue into the school year. Along with a few other wonderful things that have been happening these past few months.
there was a post here. then i got annoyed and erased it before it was published.
just as i should have done with this one!
the end.
I am so fickle! I hate it!
Oh, wait…
maybe…
I’m not as changeable as I claim to be.
–
Haha but seriously though… The direction I will take my life in next, the emotions that I will accept as valid for me to feel… when my lack of confidence in these decisions seems to be the only thing constant in my life, I cannot help but be frustrated at myself. Fickle. Changeable. Flighty… Impassioned? Non-committal, even to myself? Easily swayed. Who wants to see themselves like that? Maybe, just maybe, it is easier on the people around me than stubbornness would be, but at least if I could be stubborn, I would know what really matters to me, know that what I am most passionate about right now won’t be just a phase.
At the same time, I guess I’m kidding myself if I think that anything will be perpetually the same. My ‘adaptability’ is apparently a strength, or at least, Strengthfinder2.0 thinks so, haha.
And besides, there are several other things that have remained constant over the past few months, weeks, and days. All of them eventually boiling down to love, or an essence of love, or the emergence of love, or the absence of love, or the fear and avoidance of love.. from others and from God, and all of the emotions (whether wonderful, terrifying, amazing, sorrowful, apologetic, frustrating, upsetting, etc etc etc) that come with it.
