At the beginning of my work shift today, I had a pretty good conversation about urban areas, gangs, education & public school system, motivation, etc. with Jordan. This conversation, sparked by her brother’s early morning trek out to the Watt’s Towers, was pretty random for our time of day. As I was spewing out information that I hardly knew I was aware of, I realized that this really is a passion…. well, “passion” might be too strong a word, but still, it is all a pretty big interest for me.
After a week at Catalina away from UCLA, I was not sure what it would be like to come back to Westwood, especially since I would not be taking classes. Though I am only off for the Summer and I am jumping into my new program in …12 weeks (?) it is strange (/awesome) to be here needing only to worry about working and spending time with others. Since I moved here, I have been constantly swamped with school work, putting in several hours at my job, an internship for a stint, loads of other things… yeah. I have definitely kept busy. Given that I used to put in a lot of time studying at work, I was pretty sure that I would get bored with my job before too long. While I am pretty sure that the boredom is not too far off, that conversation kind of put me in the thinking mood and I managed to stay entertained and deep in thought for my entire 8 hour day.
This last quarter of school was one in which I felt pretty unmotivated and apathetic when it came to academics. The end was near, I was going through a lot, and I just couldn’t be bothered to care. Why is it that after a 15 minute conversation I was challenged to think about my present and future more than in a classroom that is supposed to prepare and propel me towards my own future classroom? I was excited to learn more about the issues surrounding urban education and eager to figure out where I fit into it all. I know that it is easy to be idealistic and think that I can change the world… but I think I know that this isn’t Dangerous Minds, (however much I may secretly love that movie/its soundtrack). I just want to learn about the huge mess that we’ve created for ourselves and try to make some sense of it all, hopefully make some tiny impact somehow, in someone, somewhere.
After getting all excited for that I also found myself anxious to do some reading. I really have no idea where it came from, since I definitely read less than 5% of all that I was supposed to take in this past quarter. Despite that, I somehow found myself walking out of Powell with 3 books in hand that I am looking forward to pouring through.
Am I really so immature that I will only be interested in reading and thinking when it is not required of me? I seemed to be over that when I first transferred here, and it seemed so great to read those 21 novels in 10 weeks. Because it’s frustrating to think that had I not just graduated, I would be intellectually doomed. Gahhhh. And what does this mean for next year? I need to somehow stay excited about education even when discussing, learning, reading, thinking, and writing about it are no longer an option. Beyond this immaturity, I think that my self-consciousness lack of confidence, and doubt in my intelligence among my peers definitely played into my recent intellectual dryness. But I cannot expect those insecurities to disappear this next year; if anything, they will probably intensify as it becomes more real to me that I am a grad student.
And am I really so spiritually immature to think that I found this motivation is all intrinsic, or that it was born solely from a conversation? Weren’t motivation, a desire to do something, a vision for the future, and renewal things that I have been praying/thinking/writing about?
Thank you. Keep it coming… please? I don’t want to burn out.
