Changeable.net

At the beginning of my work shift today, I had a pretty good conversation about urban areas, gangs, education & public school system, motivation, etc. with Jordan. This conversation, sparked by her brother’s early morning trek out to the Watt’s Towers, was pretty random for our time of day. As I was spewing out information that I hardly knew I was aware of, I realized that this really is a passion…. well, “passion” might be too strong a word, but still, it is all a pretty big interest for me.

After a week at Catalina away from UCLA, I was not sure what it would be like to come back to Westwood, especially since I would not be taking classes. Though I am only off for the Summer and I am jumping into my new program in …12 weeks (?) it is strange (/awesome) to be here needing only to worry about working and spending time with others. Since I moved here, I have been constantly swamped with school work, putting in several hours at my job, an internship for a stint, loads of other things… yeah. I have definitely kept busy. Given that I used to put in a lot of time studying at work, I was pretty sure that I would get bored with my job before too long. While I am pretty sure that the boredom is not too far off, that conversation kind of put me in the thinking mood and I managed to stay entertained and deep in thought for my entire 8 hour day.

This last quarter of school was one in which I felt pretty unmotivated and apathetic when it came to academics. The end was near, I was going through a lot, and I just couldn’t be bothered to care. Why is it that after a 15 minute conversation I was challenged to think about my present and future more than in a classroom that is supposed to prepare and propel me towards my own future classroom? I was excited to learn more about the issues surrounding urban education and eager to figure out where I fit into it all. I know that it is easy to be idealistic and think that I can change the world… but I think I know that this isn’t Dangerous Minds, (however much I may secretly love that movie/its soundtrack). I just want to learn about the huge mess that we’ve created for ourselves and try to make some sense of it all, hopefully make some tiny impact somehow, in someone, somewhere.
After getting all excited for that I also found myself anxious to do some reading. I really have no idea where it came from, since I definitely read less than 5% of all that I was supposed to take in this past quarter. Despite that, I somehow found myself walking out of Powell with 3 books in hand that I am looking forward to pouring through.

Am I really so immature that I will only be interested in reading and thinking when it is not required of me? I seemed to be over that when I first transferred here, and it seemed so great to read those 21 novels in 10 weeks. Because it’s frustrating to think that had I not just graduated, I would be intellectually doomed. Gahhhh. And what does this mean for next year? I need to somehow stay excited about education even when discussing, learning, reading, thinking, and writing about it are no longer an option. Beyond this immaturity, I think that my self-consciousness lack of confidence, and doubt in my intelligence among my peers definitely played into my recent intellectual dryness. But I cannot expect those insecurities to disappear this next year; if anything, they will probably intensify as it becomes more real to me that I am a grad student.
And am I really so spiritually immature to think that I found this motivation is all intrinsic, or that it was born solely from a conversation? Weren’t motivation, a desire to do something, a vision for the future, and renewal things that I have been praying/thinking/writing about?

Thank you. Keep it coming… please? I don’t want to burn out.

The crazy whirlwind of the past year is finally stilling to a slow tremble as I type up my last paper of my undergraduate career. A graduation post is probably in order; it will either come in a few days, or… maybe I will forget to write about it at all. Rather than reflecting on what I have learned in the lecture hall since my high school graduation, I am reflecting on the current place that God has brought me to in life.

After everything that went wrong this last Summer, I found myself empty. I tried to hold myself together. “Just pull through,” I told myself, “this next year will be better.” And depending on how you would describe “better,” it was. I have so many stories from fall quarter that crack me up, one-liners that bring me to the floor in laughter, and pictures of good times that I was ecstatic to be a part of. Finally adjusted to the workload here, I was going out and engaging in all kinds of craziness, juggling new friends and new experiences, drinking in my last year of college (ha no pun intended), soaking up all of the experiences I figured I was entitled to… experiences that different people know bits and pieces and the general idea of, but that nobody knows the full extent of.Fall quarter became one where if I wasn’t at work, in class, or “out,” I still went to church, small group, and catalyst… but everything went over my head, I was just going through the motions. I was checked out mentally and spiritually from my ministry commitments, I had emotionally pulled out from all relationships. I felt a guilt that I had worked so hard to gain victory over during the previous year, except that now there was actually a basis for it. Even worse, I brought down a friendship or two that I had previously invested a lot of time, prayer, and emotion into. What could I say? How could I judge if I was doing the same things? Still worse, I let my most significant friendship (one in which I truly saw God’s goodness and experienced his love for me) falter in bitter conflict and then fade to nearly nothing.

After another series of events during Winter quarter, I continued to feel completely empty. I was done (for the most part) with all of the craziness that fall quarter embodied, but I saw nothing good in life. I felt shame over what I had let things become, frustration over what I could not change, anger at what God let happen that Sunday in February, sadness at finishing college, dissatisfaction with my soon-to-end college relationships, and confusion over what I would do after graduation.

Then, God started to bring clarity.

He is keeping me here at ucla though I feel undeserving and unqualified. He is bringing good to friendships that were formed in the thick of my iniquity. He has shown me his love and forgiveness. He is showing his healing in the people who need it most. Whatever comes of it, he is blessing me with a close relationship that I was sure I had ruined the possibility of back in December. He has provided new close relationships, one in particular (again, shout out to M), in which I see his goodness.He has sustained a few other key relationships that have carried me through.

But I need more.

I want to rid myself of the ugliness I see in me. The ungratefulness. The lack of faith. The insecurity. The lack of love. I need him to redeem the relationships that were left scarred after all that I did. I need him to fill me. I need to be transparent about what happened. I need to see how he will work through my stupidity.

Tomorrow I go to summercon. I hate the thought of having to escape everyday life in order to experience God. At the same time, the escape sure makes it easier to be still.

Meet me there. Fill me. Show me.
I need his vision. I need his love. I need him.