Changeable.net

Hooray for police department lingo. Keeping my home and work spheres separate? Unnecessary.

Translation: “No further assistance is needed.”
Well, that may not be true, but things are certainly looking up. Amazing how crappy situations can give light to great ones.

I have my work cut out for me during the next 4 weeks or so, but I am going to try and not withdraw from my f-midterm class. There is a decent enough chance that I can still get a C or even a B in the class that I may as well not let these past 7 weeks go to waste.

Me in a month (if things go as planned): this quarter will be over, I will have 11 weeks left to my undergrad, I will have an idea of what my next few years will be looking like, and I will be in CHINA!

Tune in next time to view my continued digression as a reflective writer!

I am in such a strange place right now. I will feel like I am coming to a better understanding of everything that is happening with the accident, my friendships, and my future, and then just start crying in the middle of class, work, or time with friends. Everybody around me is engaged in stimulating conversations that I can hardly follow along with, I am just sitting there spacing out. When I snap back to reality, I cannot even remember what I was daydreaming about.

I got back a midterm today that I got an F on. I think I may have gotten an F or two before in my life… either in 6th or 8th grade and either in Math or Science. After taking the test I was pretty sure that I had not passed it, but it was especially surreal to see the note “this will not do to pass the course” scrawled across the top. Still to decide if I am going to try and salvage the grade or drop it and figure something out for next quarter. Maybe senioritis is the word for all of this, but I feel that it goes beyond the typical laziness that sets in as we reach the final stretch of anything. There is so much that I want to accomplish and that is at stake for me to find out about over this next month. As I feel the sting of the rejection that I am anticipating from different programs, I feel like my disappointment will be lessened if I can write it off as a lack of motivation rather than a lack of ability. While that would still be upsetting, it would just mean I need to buckle down. If, on the other hand,  I admit that I am really wanting this, and nothing comes through… that will be a whole other bag of issues for me to deal with.

I feel so unfocused; I need a vision for my life, I need to see a greater purpose. Right now I feel blank and upset about everything.

Today we were having a discussion about Psalm 46 and it was probably one of the more lively ones we have had in my small group. Rather than jumping in and being a part of it, the only words that were sticking out to me were “desolations” and “Be still, and know that I am God.” I do not know what I am doing or what God is doing or what is going on at all.

But I guess I will just try to be still, and wait for his glory to fall.