Posted in May 2007 …

May 31 2007
1 Comment
College, life in general, thoughts

I am thinking that…

I like weekends and weeks that make me realize how much I love Long Beach and the people that live there.

But.

I do not like the feeling I get when I am suddenly second-guessing my Summer choices. Wanting to drop all of my classes and spend the Summer in Long Beach is a bit extreme, but I may end up dropping one or two. I would not mind that.

I also love nights when I realize that some very genuine friends have been made here in Los Angeles. It’s basically what keeps me going through the days when I feel like I do not belong at this school or in this city. I sincerely hope that I have been able to do the same for them when they’ve been in my situation.
Lots of exciting stuff happening over the next few weeks! A lot of it is bittersweet…

  • more friends graduating, yay!
  • finishing my first year at ucla!
  • moving to a new apartment (exciting, but I have definitely shed some tears over leaving these roomies/this apt)
  • going to Catalina for a week (possibly)
  • new classes starting soon=new chance to redeem myself as a student (though lets face it, probably not!)
  • Manu Chao this weekend!
  • Lotsa parties. We’ll see if I actually go to any.
  • Undie run. Heh heh.
May 17 2007
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thoughts

Flustered and frazzled and frustrated

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
- Walt Whitman, “Song of  Myself”

I love to find the shortest distance from the beginning of my journey to the end of it. Regardless of if I am walking across campus or driving across the county; I am obsessive about finding diagonal paths, I cut through buildings, grassy quads, and groups of people. I take as many as 4 freeways when 1 would suffice. Oftentimes, the shortest distance is no faster and I have wasted my time and energy.

I would rather work a lot of hours than go to several classes. Yet… I hate the idea of no longer being a student and entering the workforce in a few years.

Year after year, I find myself longing so badly for a relationship filled with love and happiness. When I actually enter into a relationship I get it into my head from the start that the relationship is doomed and is not one that I should be in.

I love to feel productive and hate the thought of wasting time. I really love to laze around… sit all day in a coffee shop reading and thinking and napping and talking.

I eat healthy foods but have a horribly unbalanced diet.

Traveling is one of my absolute favorite things to do, I do it to destress. Traveling stresses me out so much and makes me irritable.

I love to write. I hate writing papers and will whine the night away about the paper rather than just getting it over with.

I want to be taken seriously but I still want to be a kid.

I call myself a morning person but find myself sleeping through my 10am courses.

I don’t want to live in Los Angeles this Summer. Or Long Beach. Wait, I want to live in both. Nevermind.

I could keep going, but am disappointed that these have turned into pointless sentences, so I am done!

May 11 2007
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life in general, thoughts

Questioning

What am I doing?

In like. Every aspect of my life?

Why am I tearing down the good things that I have done, and trying not to care while I do it, but then having that one twinge of ever-present guilt to hold me back?

Why are there so many potential regrets, regardless of what choices I make?

I guess I feel overwhelmed with too much to do, too many places to be, too much cash spent, too many nights spent up late, and suddenly too many secrets to hold in.

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