So I have kept a blog of some sort or another since 2002 or 2003 (even though the archives here only go to 2004) either through this site, my live journal, oh-heck-no.net (r.i.p.), or old hosted websites Sometimes I look back through my posts and it is kind of mind blowing to see the thoughts that used to go through my mind and the things that I actually published online.
In 2004, I would look back at the posts that I had written a year or so earlier and would crack up at the things that I posted, thinking that I was so much cooler than I used to be.
Now when I look back to then, I realize how angsty, prideful, hateful, and lost I was. I do not want to post links to specific things, but you definitely can find them through the archives if you search far enough. Back then I was so sure that I was right and that everybody was treating me horribly; as far as I was concerned, everyone was out to hurt me. I wrote horrible things about my family, friends, church, school, and pretty much anything else. I was incredibly insecure and drew strength from making other people feel lower than me.
I remember that for a long time, I felt like the Brand New song “Seventy times 7” described what I was going through. I was in pain and was terribly lost. Ironically, I thought I was in a good place. Yet lyrics like “They say you need to pray if you want to go to heaven but they never tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell!” seemed to fit so well. In reverence to this band, I even took on the user name “seventyx7″ for my gmail account. To continue the irony… the phrase “seventy times seven” is biblical, and I did not even realize it at the time:
Matthew 18:21-22:
21Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
I am SO glad that I learned to forgive. I think that the grudges I was holding onto kept me back from a lot. How amazing to know that time and time again I am forgiven for the stupid things I have said and done and for the spiteful ways in which I have acted.
Want to know something else that is funny? Looking through old surveys that I filled out, I apparently wanted to be married, or at least engaged by the time I was 19. Thank God that didn’t happen! Can you imagine? Just based on how unstable I was, it would have pretty much been as dysfunctional a marriage as possible, regardless of who it would have been with. I know that I am still not ready ready for marriage now, but I am grateful to be able to see my growth through the years.
What a blessing to not be stuck in the same place year after year! Anybody who has followed my writing or talked to me about my past knows that those high school and early college years were definitely hard for me. I am glad for those struggles. I hope that I am able to use my own experiences to help others. I am so excited to know that God was working in me even when I was unaware of it, and even more excited to know that he is continually working in and through me.
Kind of hard to stay down about anything for too long when all of this is kept in mind!
Have a lovely week!
