(I am disabeling comments for this entry. Feel free to email me, if you wish.)
So my spring break is drawing to a close, and… what can I say? Once again, it has turned out to be so different from what I expected it to be. Just like most years, I had hoped to work a lot to earn some extra cash, spend a lot of time with people who are close to me, somehow fit in some travel, and catch up on all of my school work so that the remainder of the semester would not be too harsh. Just like most years, it was impossible to do all of these things.
I am not to sure if I should really write about this here, but I am after all documenting my life through this website, so. Here we go.
The biggest thing that I did not expect to happen this week was to become single again. I do not want to go into the specific details of our conversation, because they are much too personal; it would be disrespectful to Freddy as well as to myself to include them here. They are something that I want to keep to myself. The whole situation has been a lot different than I would have imagined it to be; it has been very difficult, and it has only been a few days since the event.
I am not going to lie… it is going to take me a lot of time to get over this, or to even figure out what “moving on” will entail. At the same time though, I have a lot to be so thankful for. The past few months have been filled with many moments of pure bliss. So many good conversations were had and good experiences were enjoyed. I will cherish these things for a long time to come. I learned a lot from Freddy, and I think we learned a lot together. I do believe that I am a better person having spent time with him, and I have no regrets of any of the things we did together.
I should point out that he was not a jerk to me; there is no need for the men in my family to band together and plan to attack him or for my closest girlfriends to egg his car in revenge. Though I am sad that it came to an end, I would not be telling the truth if I said we should have stayed together. Because of all of the good things that came out of the relationship, it became so easy to rely on him entirely for my happiness, which at 19, is not an easy thing to know how to handle.
Perhaps the timing was wrong; maybe some weeks, months, or years in the future we will be ready for each other… this would make me very happy. Then again, maybe we have fulfilled our purposes, the roles we were supposed to have in each other’s lives. In either instance, it is understandable for me to be sad right now, but there is a lot more to be happy about. Honestly, this is what we had hoped and prayed for, that if it would be better for us to be single at a given time, that we would be able to break up before it got too difficult to bear. It has been hard to admit that this has been a blessing in disguise.
Emotionally, I am still in a hard place; I could write a whole post about how so many of my favorite things (activities, food, music, television shows) bring back a myriad of memories. I am choosing to try to be glad. Not everybody will understand this, but I think Freddy and I both know that God has plans to use both of us for big things, we just do not know exactly what they are. I do not know how long I will need to be single as I prepare for the future. I do know that we both have a lot ahead of us.
I am excited for the future, whatever may come.
