Changeable.net

Everything has gotten so crazy lately.

Just at work, one guy has started to tip insanely, another is asking me to a concert, two are asking for a ride home (?!?). I thought one of my good friends from work was mad at me, but it turned out she was just real frustrated with somebody else who was there at work.

There are suddenly guys at school who I am talking to (not talking to, mind you), and one of the friendships I am really enjoying. It’s just good to be able to talk on a deeper level with a different guy.

(p.s. don’t take this as me trying to show off or something. it is all very akward for me)

And in the middle of all of this, I feel real guilty. I shouldn’t, I didn’t announce to everybody around me that Nate and I have kind of sort of broken up, I haven’t necessarily done anything to get their attention. It’s all very new and very strange to me, and I don’t know how I feel or how I should feel.

Today Nate called me, informing me that he was happy, and he’d had a good day. I asked him what made it good, and he told me that he had a dream in which we were together, and he thought it meant something. I was speechless. Then he asked me when he’d see me again (tonight? tomorrow? saturday), and I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t silent, but I filled the space with some meaningless stuff. And then I had to leave for work. The conversation ended with him telling me that he wasn’t happy anymore, after the conversation.

I have midterms next week, I’m dropping my piano class, I’m adding an “intro to college” class that I would have been better off taking last summer or something, and oh yeah, the San Francisco trip is being postponed, today the flights were booked, and I am going to Portland, Oregon for spring break.

Why are big time rappers suddenly feeling the need to get together with pop rock bands and do a song together?

We all know about the whole Jay Z / Linkin Park thing that those of us with broken tape players (and non existent CD players) in our cars have recently been forced to listen to as it gets played out on every radio station…

Don’t ask me how I know this… but this past week at the overly prestigious TRL awards, Lil’ John and Good Charlotte performed a pretty bad performance together of the song “I Just Want to Live.”

And then just a few seconds ago, Ludacris and Sum 41 performed together on Saturday Night Live. This one wasn’t too bad, I was amused. But I still don’t see why all of these rappers and bands keep mimicking each other and doing the same things…

Regardless, it was a highlight of my day to see Ludacris head banging and Deryck yelling “GET BACK, GET BACK! YOU DON’T KNOW ME LIKE THAT!”

The other high point of my day was seeing my mom wear a hot pink halter top to the gym under the assumption that it was a sports bra. At least she threw a tshirt over it.

Weekend update is on now, gotta go.

I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on
Or something like that

I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew
Was a hopeless to be had

But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ’cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

Tomorrow it will be a month since my grandmother’s memorial service. How did that time fly by?

This weekend was one of the strangest I’ve had yet.

I went out with Nathaniel on Saturday. A lot of talking and tears were involved. We’re taking a break for a month. Which will probably go by pretty quick, I’m not entirely sure if it is the best idea. Anyway, a bunch of stuff is going to be taking place on both of our parts during that month and after that we’ll together decide what’s going to be official. If I had to make my decision right now, we would break up, even though it would be incredibly hard.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who will remain nameless called me up in tears. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but we got together and for a long time it was just the two of us sitting on the floor while she cried and tried to get her words out. She did something that she regrets a lot and cannot forgive herself for, and it has ruined one of her relationships. It was so hard because I am the only person who she has told the situation to and I haven’t necessarily had that kind of experience for me to give her advice. I sat with her, I held her, I listened to her, I gave the little bit of advice I had to offer. Eventually I joked with her, got jamba juice with her, watched countless episodes of gilmore girls with her, and she spent the night, but I know that all of that wasn’t a solution. This morning she was up at 6, she was in my bathroom sobbing and repeating how much disbelief she was in of what had happened, of how much she’d let herself down. It was so painful to see a close friend hurt so much. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, like she could have turned to somebody else and had a more productive time. But she came to me first and it gives me an incredible amount of responsibility.

I had a dream that my dad was going to run for senate, and suddenly all of these newspapers started writing articles about me.

I always have wierd dreams when I sleep at wierd hours. For example, I went to bed at 4pm today and woke up at about midnight when Jason called me. Then I talked to Nate for a few minutes. I think we’re going out tomorrow/today.

I’m so excited, yes, I had to open on friday, buuut I have the rest of the weekend off! So I technically could have gone out tonight, but I needed to catch up on some sleep. But the next two days are off. Wahoo.

argh argh argh argh argh argh
so for those of you who don’t know, which is probably most of you, nate and i broke up.

sort of. don’t know exactly what’s up or how he feels, and i certainly don’t know what i want or how i feel.

i have some cute friends in my communications class. they look like fun, but i can see that they’re not the ones for me, so if i’m trying to throw away my relationship with nate for them… that sucks, especially considering that it is incredibly doubtful that they like me. i don’t actually want to be in another relationship right now, but i don’t know if i want the relationship i can still have right now either. there is something exciting about being single that i miss, but i don’t see why i can’t have the same excitment with him. a maturity problem, maybe? before i was convinced the majority issue was on his side of the table, but now i’m realizing i’m not so great either.

the place where he works got robbed tonight, he had a gun pointed to him. scary stuff. of course i’m glad that he’s okay, but the realization that any of us could be here one second and gone the next isn’t what is making me think twice about ending it, i’ve been mulling it over in my head for a few weeks now. i just don’t know. i wish there was some clear path written out for every aspect of my life that showed me what would be best for me. not what i think is best for me, what my friends think is best for me, or what my parents thing is best for me. just something unbiased to tell me what to major in, what school to go to, who to date, who to marry eventually, who to keep contact with, and what cute guys it wouldn’t be disasterous to talk to.

crap, and this is all not to mention this customer at work who likes me and is under the impression that i am completely single and ready for business.

identity crisis, perhaps? who knows. it’s pretty obvious that i don’t know anything. maybe that says something about how i should fly solo for a while. but then again, how would i know that? and couldn’t i find out what the hell i should do while still having a boyfriend? i just don’t want to hurt him, he’s endured enough crap from me through the years, giving him more stuff to worry about is not necessary.

Today my mom surprised me by giving me a gym membership. I was too excited to be offended by what her gift was implying, haha. So we went to Bally’s, and let me tell you, my mother trying to figure out a treadmill was pretty funny, part of the reason I was so delighted to go was to see her use the stuff.

While we were leaving, one of my classmates was running on the track and we waved at each other… my mom thought it was somebody from church and she waved and was like “hi!” to him he continued to run by with a confused look on his face, another moment that was great in an embarassing mom sort of way.

We finished our time by doing some heavy duty mother-daughter sports bra shopping bonding and grabbing some subway.

Physically fit day? Let’s just see how long I can keep this up.

Other stuff is going on right now but I’m not sure exactly what the situation is or how I feel. Anyway. I’m off to profit off of people’s addictions.

So umm today at work, a lady who came in to get coffee asked me to be a model. Pretty random? It’s something for Mary Kay cosmetics. I said yes. Hopefully it won’t be anything too embarassing.

I think I am going to be getting Saturdays off from work starting next weekend which is completely awesome… I’ll finally have a day off from school and work so that I can sleep in and do whatever I please.

I have a lot of homework for tomorrow, I should get to sleep so that I can wake up early.

Ugh I smell like coffee.

[this will really be a stupid rant.]

if my mom or anybody else makes mention of my weight once more, even as a joke, i think i will be pushed to do something i’ll regret later.

i’m not saying that i like my body the way that it is, but it’s not like i’m sitting around all day eating a whole bunch of junk. i take care of myself, i’m trying to be healthy, not necessarily skinny. i’m am working out regularly and i am real annoyed, pissed off, and hurt that people care so much.

maybe my body just confuses her… i don’t understand it either, i was always the shortest, skinniest person ever and now i’m average. but it’s not like i suddenly weigh 300 lbs, i don’t see what the big deal is.

If you read this,

Even if i don’t speak to you often,

You must post a memory of me.

It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,

Just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you….