Changeable.net

Some days I am completely content with not knowing what I want to be “when I grow up.” I guess those days I figure that there’s no rush and that I don’t want a career anyway. I mean, who wants to have the same job for 30-40 years of their life?

Other days though, I wish I could just figure it out. I read entries and see pictures from people who are away at college… up north at berkley or in another state. They seem so happy and liberated! It’s like. They don’t just move out and go to a school a few miles away, no, they’re actually brave enough to leave everything familiar and live in a 6×8 foot room shared with another person. I wish I could be that brave, I wish I was up north or in another state. Or something. I guess that while I have no plan for my life I may as well have fun. That’s what the NYC and possible Italy trips are about. I feel like I just need to do something, see new things, and figure out what I’m supposed to do. On the one hand, I absolutely love Los Angeles, but on the other… what do I have to compare it to? It is the only “foreign” city I ever go to, and it’s only a few miles away. I would love to go to UCLA, but whenever I go to a new city with a UC or another good university, I want to go there as well. San Diego, Berkely… I would love that. Or school in another state. But of course, money is always an issue. It’s somewhat unsettling that I entertain about 2-3 ideas of what I want to do with my life each month, and that by this time next month I will have a new career path in mind. Until I know, how am I supposed to put money down? I know myself and I know that I am too wierd and that I will forever be changing my mind. My dad would love it if I went to Berkely. Yeah. I actually think that’d be pretty cool, like if I ended up in the same apartment as his.

Off on a tangent there.

But then I don’t really know what my point is. I guess my point is that I need to go somewhere. Like now. I can’t wait till after Christmas. I might just put myself into the truck and drive up North one of these days. Seriously. I remember a few years ago when my family and I were driving around up there and how sad I was when it was decided that we had to go back. I wanted to see what else there was. We were just getting into the mountains, into the snow, into everything. I want to find that place because it was so awesome. I know I won’t go doing that this week, but I might plan on that for one of the next weeks or something. I know I have a day off of class coming up. I don’t know.

I’m so wierd. Nobody understands me, myself included.

Even though I don’t have a particular dislike for my classes, I want to just quit. Or just take one class or something. I want to have at least a few months of freedom to do whatever I wish.

I guess that’s enough for now.

In order to be able to make my NYC trip a reality, I am going on a budget. I can use up to $20 a week on food (from tips), $15 on gas (I’m allowed to use my card for this, but I’m not allowed to drive more than $15 worth of gas each week), and no further spending. This excludes tomorrow because I had already planned on getting some shoes and stuff. And especially no debit card spending, because I keep overdrafting! It’s so annoying like $30-$50 each time I overdraft. So no debit card. I should cut it up. Except I might need it.

Basically, no clothes unless it’s cheap warm clothes for going to NYC or really a necessity. I am allowing one show and two movies per month (note: movies that Nate pays for do not count, har har har).

If I want to buy cd’s or movies, that’s fine, but no going crazy with it, and these can only be bought from tip money!

And yeah. Sucks, but on the other hand, I have everything I need. Why spend more?

I do not know why I am sharing this, by the way. But I just decided on this budget, so I guess it can’t hurt to write it out.

I was actually going to go out for a haircut tomorrow as well, I had an appointment and everything, but then I decided that I don’t really have 50 extra bucks to do that. And my hair isn’t unbearably long. So I’ll just deal. I have to cancel my appointment though, I feel bad.

This is also because I am hoping for a study abroad trip to Italy summer 2005 and I’ll need like 4,000 for that, and because I need a new clutch in my car. Which will be like $900. So that’s another expense coming up.

Being financially independant rules and sucks, lol.

BTW: The new real world seems interesting. Two gay guys, one sex pot, one mean chick from CA, a token cultured black girl, and two other guys who look alike. Wahoo! And one of the gay guys used to be on Ghostwriter. The sad thing is that I used to pretend to be sick like in 3rd and 4th grade just so I could stay home and watch G.W. and I remember this guy, lol.

lol.

I hate these meme things but I felt like actually doing this one.

Furthermore, Nate’s cousin, Jonathan is going through a lot of crap right now which sucks because I’m friends with him too. I may or may not have mentioned that Jonathan got into a car accident and totalled his vehicle this past saturday. It wasn’t his fault, but so much is going wrong now because like. 2 weeks ago his wallet was stolen, so he had been driving around with his temporary license (he’s from washington, so he had a WA license), but now it’s expired. And he can’t get a rental without it. So who know’s how that will work out. And everybody is hounding him to get a job, but he just moved down here like a month ago, he’s just started classes, and everything is a mess. His college is a pretty far drive from here and he doesn’t have a car to get there, and… yeah.

And Nate feels responsible for the accident because Jonathan was just accompanying Nate to go pick up something in Lomita. Annnnd soo that’s why Nate’s been spending lots of extra time with his cousins and stuff.

So I feel bad too, since I had been all upsetish about that. But argh.

Well I saw Nate today and it was super, we had a good time, but this is on his mind right now, so it’s sort of hard. Just ugh.

I’m feeling better today.

I had a good day at school. I mean, nothing was way special in any of my classes, but everything was laid back and I understood everyting and enjoyed my day. Then later on, I went to see Garden State again, this time with Dani. It was just as amazing as watching it the first time, and I enjoyed the soundtrack even more. I ordered it off amazon when I came home, so I’m excited for that to come in the mail soon.

Seeing that movie and the story in that movie again put me in such a good mood, and brought me out of my pseudo-depression that I wrote about in my last entry (it was friends only, in case anybody out there is confused). So even though things aren’t completely resolved, I feel more confident and overall, more happy.

And this is all without even considering how good it was to see Dani again. I hadn’t seen my Ofinator since we went camping! I mean, her and Christina came to see me at Cold Stone, and that was great, but it it was cool to actually hang out. Sigh. She’s leaving for college soon. But that’s okay, I’m still happy, because we’re still having good times, and we’re still goign to be friends.

There are little bugs on my ceiling and they’re all giving me skin cancer bugbites =(

Today is definitely a good change though. That movie needs to hurry up and come out on dvd soon. And I need to go buy some more dvd’s.

I’m going into los angeles on friday to do some serious shopping. Should be fun. Oh, and I might get a haircut soon, not sure what date yet, though.

Sometimes love just hurts and it’s hard to know what to do.

It sucks not being able to hang out with people because of schedules and work and school, but what I absolutely hate is not getting to see or talk to Nate. I want to be with him, I really do, but then I also don’t know if I have time for this. I know it sounds selfish, but I just don’t know what to do. He’s busy too, always with his cousins.

I don’t mind them, but I wish we could get some more alone time. Or at least time together. I knew that getting a job would mean less time with him, but it’s so hard since I also just started school. Going from being able to spend all day together to not having time for each other is something I can’t deal with.

I know it’s our choice if we will make time for each other, but with me trying to earn money and get an education, and him having his family who he spends so much time with, when do we have time? And he starts classes on wednesday. I wonder what will happen then. And then he wants to get a job. Or maybe I want him to get a job. I don’t know. It’s another dumb quirk I have, but since he is a whole year younger, I guess in my mind, if he’s working, then that makes him seem even closer to me. And I don’t want him to quit volleyball either. He’s so good and I think it’d be great if he finished his last year. But if he does either or both of those, how will that leave us? With a phone call a week? A handshake if I happen to see him somewhere?

I almost feel like it’s a lost cause. But then at the same time we’ve both put so many years, so much effort, so much pain, and so many good times to throw it all away. We’re not breaking up. But we just have to figure this out.

Sometimes love is addiction
Sometimes it hurts like hell
And sometimes you just cannot get enough
You can’t make me love you,
Any more than i do
But you can make me unreachable

You had me crawlin so bad
Had me heels over head
You had me easy, you had me easy
Too late to go back
To realize what we had
We were already beautiful

Dont make me cry

shut up if you don’t like a.s. you suck.

I suck.

To be more clear, I only get sleepy when I have energy. When I am actually tired and exhausted, I lay down, sleep for maybe half an hour, and then cannot sleep anymore. I hate this about me, and it really does suck.

Tomorrow I am skipping church and the little kid’s sunday school class I teach because I am going to Julie’s house tomorrow to write a prospectus for our anthro class. (side note: my professor for this class is seriously awesome. I’m reading his book right now and let me tell you, the things he can point out about The Wizard of Oz… it’s pretty interesting). But I feel bad because I left early last week. And because I am leaving Monica with the kids. Then again, she was gone for two weeks and she didn’t inform me, and I am letting her know, so I guess it’s not too terrible.

Then I will come home and study, then I will go to work, then I will try to sleep.

The point of this? There is none. I seriously am just trying to make myself fall asleep, so for I think the third post in a row, sorry for crowding your friend’s pages, I know how annoying it can be.

Let me just say that from 10am to 2pm was a good time spent with my parents. It was fun, we went to Pasadena and did stuff would probably seem boring and corny to most of you, but for me, it was a blast.

Earlier tonight when my dad brought my dog into my room, it was so funny, because he thought I was asleep, and he was talking to my dog. It was hilarious, he said something along the lines of “Now Amir, be a good dog, don’t poop all over the floor,” and I was cracking up for a while. You probably don’t think it’s funny, but whatever, if you know my dad, and you can imagine him that, then you know it’s funny.

Oh, that reminds me, my dog pooped on my floor yesterday. Smooth move, Amir, I really appreciated it.

I drink too much water.

I think I’ll see garden state again. Because it was easily my favorite movie. Definitely a favorite if not THE favorite. Hmm… I’ll probably watch it alone… because I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a tad bit antisocial and I enjoy spending time completely alonnnnnnnnnnnne. Or it’s just my introvertedness. Or something. I know I’m an introvert, but does that equal antisocialness? Whatever.

It is so obvious that I am tired, and I think I might just be getting sleepy. If all else fails, I think I’ll watch Win a Date with Tad Hamilton… I borrowed it from Somatra last night.

Goodnight, again, I apologize, but as always, comments are appreciated!