Changeable.net

The whole Nathaniel thing has me confused. He seems to have had a good day, and then we started talking, and then he seemed unhappy. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. But I feel like I dissapointed him somehow =/

it sucks.

But I think I’m not afraid anymore of going ahead with anything. Maybe it should wait a little, but when it’s time, I think I’m ready.

Sadie Hawkins is coming up at his school. :dances like a tard, doesn’t know how poly people would react to her, doesn’t know how she’d react to poly people:
Last night, Jason was implying to me that Nate wants me to go with him. I want to, but the whole girls ask the guy thing has me freaked out since it’s not even my school.

It’s at Knott’s. That could take away the issues of having to dance.

I’m still bummed about today. It might just be because he can’t go to the movies with us tonight. But that’s because he’s going to dinner with his family for Monica’s birthday, and to me, that’s something to be happy about. Maybe it’s also because he and Monica aren’t very close anymore. And I guess I can understand being dissapointed in that.

I haven’t talked with Monica yet. Like we said we would. Hopefully tomorrow we’ll get to do that.

Peace.

:jumps on band wagon:
I’ve seen this at lots of people’s journals…
And I’m bored, so I thought I’d try.

Step 1: Open your MP3 player.
Step 2: Put all of your music on random.
Step 3: Write down the first 20 songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing.

Haha, this is amusing…

1. the wonders – that thing you do
2. yellowcard – get off the couch
3. relient k- i’m lion-o
4. nicole nordeman – holy
5. pax 217 – check 217
6. taking back sunday – ghost man on third
7. incubus – wish you were here
8. the starting line – the drama summer
9. dashboard confessional – saints and sailors
10. senses fail – free falling withougt a parachute
11. mandy moore – cry
12. coldplay – in my place
13. switchfoot – someday we’ll know
14. relient k – softer to me
15. moby ft. gwen – southside
16. supertones – who can be against me
17. dc talk – supernatural
18. relient k – break down
19. grease mega dance mix (lol!)
20. good charlotte – wondering.

interesting, eh?

Haha, I tried…

Sometimes my efforts amuse me.

:hugs LJ: I suck at updating a site and a livejournal at the same time. I guess I was waiting for enough “personal” stuff to happen, since that’s what I seem to write here…

ah, I’m so tired.

I woke up when my mom came into my room to finish her homework on my computer for her class tonight, and I tried to sleep, but she kept talking to my dad, the light was on, and the whole clickity stuff with the keyboard wasn’t working for me. And it was 5:50 anyway, so if I actually fell asleep, I may have stayed in bed for far too long. So I got up and just watched her type and listened to music for a while, and then I went and took my shower, stayed in there forever, the hot water felt gooood. I shouldn’t have gone to school today though. My only motivation for going was that I thought I HAD to present my poster thing in senior project, but I didn’t even go today. I mean, it was my choice to not go today because I looked and felt like crap still, but had I known that 8 of us are going on friday, I would have slept in for like 3 hours more.

I guess it was sort of worth it though. When I came home I decided to clean my closet even more, and oh my… ok, there’s this like… thing, it’s not a shelf, but I use it as one, where the wall doesnt touch the ceiling, and I went up there to see what I’d stashed there. There was an old suitcase, and awww, my old stuffed animals! I though I threw them away, but nope

—aaaaaaa yay, the fedex dude just dropped off my mxpx package thing, I’ll open it in a bit.

ok, so yeah, my first 3 stuffed animals ever were in there =) So that was cool. And I filled up one huge garbage bag with… well, garbage, and another one with old stuff to take down to the good will. And I made room on the shelves and stuff, so now I can finally clean out my trunk. My stuff from the old house has been in there since I moved! Craziness… ok, my package awaits me.

edit: ok, nevermind. the gateway people sent me an ac adaptor thing for my new camera. wierdos. it better be free, because I’m not paying for it.

oh my gosh. So I was starting to feel kind of alright… my head really hurt, but I was doing ok. My mom came home with my new perscription thing and I hate it. It’s a “z-pac,” which is basically where I’m supposed to take two of the pills together today, and for the next 4 days it’s one a day. I took them about half an hour ago, and they’re so strong. I almost threw up like 3 times, but I’m trying real hard not to, because I want to keep the “stuff” in me. I don’t think I’m going to my statistics class tonight. I have to sleep and there’s only 2 and a half hours left until I have to leave for the class, and that’s not enough time for a nap and for me to get ready. And I feel like crap. Watch me end up going anyway. Plus, I still have to finish my english homework.

I might not go to school tomorrow =/ We’ll see how things go. I don’t want to miss tomorrow, because I think I have a quiz for english. And since its ditch day, nobody’s gonna believe me if i say i was actually sick. Man. :sips ginger ale and eats crackers: I HATE BEING SICK.

[Basics]
1. Name: Esther
2. Nick: Chilli, Esthercita (only to a few people)
3. Middle Name: Ruth
4. Last name: how about not.
5. Eyes: Brown.
6. Height: 5’3.
7. Location: Long Beach, Cali.
8. Birthday: August 26, 1986
9. Zodiac: I don’t know.
10. Status: Single.
[Favorites]
11. Animals: My doggie.
12. Sport: I don’t know. I’m not so much of a sports person.
13. Color: blue, green, black, white.
14. Song: Take time and find – The Early November.
15. Band/Singer: mxpx.
17. Flower: whatever’s pretty and smells good.
18. Scent: Love Spell.
19. Movies: I guess I have lots of those… I like things that are either funny or chick flicky.
20. Holiday: Christmas works.
21. Season: Fall.
22. Element: Ehhh… oxygen.
23. Book(s): A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. And I liked Grapes of Wrath.
24. Do you wear makeup?: Eyeliner.
25. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: When I remember.
26. Do you look for personality or looks: Looks are what initially get my attention, I guess, but if a good personality isnt there, it’s not worth it.
27. Perfect girl: I don’t know?
28. How many rings before you answer the phone: No specific number.
29. Future Career plans: Something I’d get out of a Public Relations degree.
30. Do you sleep with stuffies?: Nope.
31. Do you want kids?: Jess’m.
32. Are you popular: oh yeah. ok, not so much. ha.
33. Are you pretty: I’m whatever.
34. Do you have your own phone line?: Does cell phone count?
35. Do you get along with your family?: for the most part.
36. Do you have any piercings or tattoos?: No tattoos as of now but I have plenty of piercings up in my ears.
37. Like giving hugs?: depends who to.
38. Taking walks in the rain?: As long as its not completely POURING, yes. Rain=love.
39. The mall?: Not to hang out. But if I need to buy anything, yeah, I’ll go.
40. Go on stage?: If I have a reason to.
41. Drink: Nah.
42. Smoke: Not quite.
43. Drugs: Negatory.
44. Eat meat: Yes, they were put on the earth for a reason.
45. Date: I don’t make it a point to have a date each weekend, but I’ve been on a few.
46. Sex: Virgin.
47. Eat sushi: Hell no. I mean. ooooooooooooooh hecccccccccck no.net!
48. Bake: Jes.
 
[Preferences]
49. Hot or Cold: Cold.
50. Lace or Satin: hmm.. lace, I guess.
51. Blue or Red: Blue.
52. New or Old: Depends.
53. Rain or Snow: Rain.
55. Wool or Cotton: Cotton.
56. Rose or Daisy: Neither.
57. Private school or public school: Public works.
58. Plain milk or chocolate milk: Yoohoo. So neither.
59. Celsius or Fahrenheit: Fahrenheit.
60. Spring or Fall: Fall.
61. Math or Art: Art. Math can be ignored.
62. One pillow or two: two.
63. Dogs or Cats: Dogs.
64. Adidas or Nike: Adidas, I guess.
65. Coke or Pepsi: Both.
66. Oranges or Apples: Yummy, both.
67. Deaf or Blind: I think I’d perfer neither.
68. Pool or hot tub: pools.
69. Blonde or Brunette: Brunette.
70. Guys or Girls: Guys.
71. Tall or short: whatever.
72. TV or Radio: TV.
Personal Stance on…
73. Homosexuality: I don’t think it’s right.
74. Brand names: I don’t really care, as long as I like how it looks.
75. Abortion: NO!
76. Religion: I guess everybody should choose for themselves.
77. Animal Rights: to some extent. I mean, they shouldn’t be treated badly for no reason, but all the PETA people get on my nerves. And unless you have a specific health problem, I don’t really like vegetarianism.
78. Love at first sight: No.
79. God: I believe in him.
80. Aliens: Whatever.
81. Horoscopes: I don’t read them. I don’t care about those things.
82. Heaven: I believe in it.
83. Hell: yeah, it exists.
84. Reincarnation: nope.
85. Transvestites: wierdos.
86. Boy Bands: I’ve never liked one.
87. Rap: don’t like it.
88. 80′s music: It’s good, but I’m not all YAYYYY EIGHTIES!!!! If anything, I’m more of a 90′s person.
89. Punk: I don’t think I actually am a fan of any thing that is really punk.
90. Whats the prettiest instrument(s)?: hmm… piano can do some hot stuff. But I’m also a sucker for anything acoustic. And I’ll keep in touch. Ok, that was dumb. Yes, I like the guitar.
92. Biggest fault: I guess I’m kind of bossy? I don’t know.
93. Biggest fears: getting stuff thrown at me.
94. Do you live in the moment?: Sometimes, but I don’t do stupid stuff. For the most part anyway.
95. Do you care about looks?: To some extent, but they’re not all that matters.
96. Do you like your handwriting?: No, I write like a retarded boy or something.
97. Obsession: ah, depends on the week.
98. Looking forward to: something, but I’m not sure what.
99. Favorite weather: November weather is awesome.
100. Do you ever wish you were somebody else?: sure.

I feel so out of it. I’m tired and just… ugh. I want to crawl into bed and sleep, or just watch tv the whole night.

I don’t think we’re going to go see halo friendlies tonight afterall. Ramany said yesterday that she wasn’t going, because she has a birthday party. I think she’s not even going to that, but she’s still gone, so whatever. Umm Dani’s parents had already made plans for tonight, so it seems like that won’t work out. As far as I know, Christina and I can still go, but I dunno. I didn’t REALLY want to go that bad. I wanted to see the halo’s, yes, but they’ll play another time. And I don’t feel like driving to LA.

Dani invited me to go to a hockey game. It sounds like fun, but I’m so tired! I mean, if I go I’m sure I’ll get all hyper. But bleh…

And I dunno, I feel sad almost. I don’t know why. I just don’t feel happy, I guess. Things are good I guess right now, but not as good as they could be, you know? I feel like I’m hardly talking, hardly socializing with anybody. I feel locked in my room, and yet, here I get chances to do stuff and I’m all tired?!? What is wrong with me???

Aye.

I’m all confused right now. Basically, here’s the story…

I have known Nathaniel for a very long time. In middle school we “went out,” but as most middle school relationships, it didn’t last for a very long time. We didn’t talk for a while, but started talking to each other more and more over time, and by the spring/summer of 2002, we were real close.

Somewhere during that summer I guess we gradually became a couple, but it was never made “official,” and I was never really sure what we were to each other. We talked about so many things, but this was not one of them. I knew for sure that I didn’t want a “friends with benefits” type of thing, because I think that’s lame, but I didn’t know if that’s what I was to him, or what. I guess I gradually figured out that to him we were a lot more of an “item” than I was aware, and around the end of november or early december, I tried to bring it up. I wanted to take a step back so we could figure out where we were going, and things just went bad. He took it as me breaking up with him, while to me, I was never entirely sure we were together. Even though we’d gotten so close, we let this get between us. We gave sort of a half effort to solving it, but we kept blaming each other. By this time it was probably January of 2003.

I guess we both got tired of the drama, and we were both confused as to what had happened, but we basically stopped talking. During all of 2003, we never once talked in person, and we talked maybe 6 or 7 times online, and it was never much of a long talk. On our birthday (yes, we have the same birthday… but I’m a year older. meh. Is that bad?), we did talk for a while online, but that’s an exception.

During this whole time, there were some girls that were interested in him, and I know that he tried to make it work with one of the girls, but it didn’t work out, and it wasn’t really anything serious. I don’t know if there were any other girls he was with during this time.

As for me, I didn’t get with anybody either. In the summer (still 2003) I started to like this guy, Chris. For a long time it was just sort of a crush situation, but around the time of the winter formal, my friend Monica (who happen’s to be Nathaniel’s sister… yes, I know things are tangled up) talked to him and tried to set us up. We were talking for a few weeks, and we went out twice, but nothing really came out of it. That brings us to the end of 2003 and the beginning of this year, 2004. I haven’t really talked things out with Chris, but I’m pretty sure we both see that our little thing is a done deal, and nothing’s coming out of it.

Around the first or second week of 2004, Nate and I had a long talk, one in which we pretty much decided to move on completely. To me it seemed like I would never talk to him again, and to be honest, I was sort of relieved.

But…

Over the long weekend given for MLK Jr. day, I went to the mountains for a winter church retreat type of thing. Nate and I go to the same church, that’s where we initially met, but I wasn’t really thinking about him that much. Things happened though, and… Nathaniel and I talked a little, things were good. We didn’t get into anything deep, but it still wasn’t anything I was expecting, seeing as how 3 weeks earlier we’d figured we wouldn’t be talking anymore.

We came back down from camp, and… we’ve started talking again. Not “talking” like we’re going to necessarily get together, but it is a big step since we hardly talked last year. I started to think I wanted to work up to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with him, thinking things would be different this time, and that we could make it work.

Then yesterday, for some reason I suddenly changed my thinking. I don’t know exactly why, but… I just don’t know what I want. I guess I have to take things real slow so that I don’t do anything that I regret, but I’m scared. I don’t want to mess up our friendship again. I don’t want to get stuck to one guy if it’s not meant to be. Also, I want to make sure that I’m not just trying to get into a relationship because everybody else is. I mean, not all my friends have boyfriends, but some of them do, and most of them have guy stuff going on. And I don’t want to be misleading myself into thinking that I like Nate if I don’t. Because that’d be mean. Aye. So confused.

Hooray for first entries! Uhh… yes.