Lessons that travel
Over the past three weeks, I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel. A trip to the wonderful city in Manhattan, and a trip to snowboard in the powdery wonder of snow that is Utah. Between flights, subway rides, and countless rides down snowy slopes, I had a lot of time to think of things. Random things.
And so, these are my thoughts:
-the worst feelings in the world (some are emotional, some are physical): turbulence, being caught doing something you’re not supposed to do, being stuck in snow, feeling too hot, nausea, wiping out, feeling in danger
-I love my students. And they definitely affect me. But I don’t like it when people say that their speech is rubbing off on me.
A few years ago, before teaching, I had friends who were quick to remind me that I am not a gangster, so I should stop talking like one (seriously, this has been said). I also had friends who said I was so innocent, spoke like a “white girl,” whatever that means. Now, people say that I’m talking like my students. Sure, I might have learned a few new words and a few new songs, but I still talk the way I’ve always talked. People just don’t know me that well. Everybody in the world seems to think I act too “white” or too “ghetto,” and well… there are a lot of cultures that make me who I am.
So yes, you can say that my students have taught me a few new dance moves and taught me the name of them. Yes, my heart has broken so much more often since I took on this job. Yes, my students infuriate me and make me love humanity all at the same time. Yes, my life is suddenly filled with purpose. They absolutely impact me. But my language? I speak like I always have.
-There is so much growing that I have to do. Sometimes my work makes me feel so empowered, so driven. So many other times, I feel tiny. So powerless. So broken. So useless. And it is really easy to be hard on myself about it. But the encouraging words of a few people who remind me that I’m still figuring it out, that I’m new. That having the desire is a huge part of the battle that I’ve already one… those words have helped me stay confident.
Ulitmately, I think I chose a good time to travel. Traditionally, January is a very hard month for teachers, especially new teachers. There were times when I doubted the appropriateness of taking a few days off, and believe me, I am definitely seeing the results of my absence in the class. But I am so grateful for the opportunities to go on these trips.
And don’t let this post mislead you, I was not angry and upset the whole time that I traveled. My travels were amazing.
Friends, when we were laughing, eating, exploring, and just being who we are, I was struck so many times by how much I absolutely LOVE life right now. A few years ago, I don’t think I could have imagined being so happy and feeling so fulfilled as I do now. Thank you for your support, thanks for being my companions; thanks for loving me and letting me love you.
peace
yesterday i felt like crap.
i know that there are things that i am obligated to report, and that honestly… i should report, even if it wasn’t required.
a small part of me fears the system. fears what will happen after reporting, fears that a life will be made more miserable.
a small part of me selfishly wishes that just my listening is enough. that my words will be powerful enough. but i know they’re not.
still, the words, “you lied. i’m very angry. i’m going to leave now,” dug at me, however calmly they were spoken. did i betray confidence? will she be in trouble? will other people help her more than i can and love her more than i do?
but then this morning she came in. no she didn’t apologize, and no, i didn’t explain myself. we didn’t even talk about it. but she came in with 2 CDs.
“i brought some music for you to listen to…” and we played oldies love songs for 15 minutes.
and we’re okay.
i love that i’m someone they can talk to. someone who can listen without the judgment that the 14 year olds surrounding them will struggle to avoid. but man, it’s hard.
i need wisdom, i need discernment. i need endurance. resilience.
love.
asking alice
on a much lighter note,
it’s very awkward to read go ask alice to my 10th grade class, especially since i’ve never read it before and have no idea what gems might be awaiting me on the next page.* one second she’s whining about school, the next second she’s doing heroin, the next second she’s losing her virginity, the next second i’m saying every profanity possible out loud.
i also have always running coming up this year. while i’ve never read it in its entirety, i’ve read enough to know that i get to read very graphic multiple orgasm discriptions.
oh, too inappropriate for my blog? think of how i feel saying “cocksucker” in front of my students!
hahaha. they are definitely engaged in the book, even if i would have felt so guilty reading these books as a high school student. funny days in the classroom.
*disclaimer: i’m not a bad teacher [at least not bc of this!]. instead of just doing school-wide “ssr,” we do “read in,” where the whole class is reading the same book together, having good reading modeled to them. they are high-interest books, and we’re not supposed to go crazy teaching them. the point is to show that reading can be entertaining, not that you have to write an essay and do a lit circle for each book.
Reality Check/Pep talk
Last week, I exerted a lot of energy on telling people I was running the LA Marathon this Spring. I was hoping it would make me actually train. And it did.
I really did make the effort to fit running into my schedule, even trying out a gym to facilitate night time running (I live in North LB, I don’t play with solo night runs).
But I think I’m going to just admit it. It’s not going to happen.
A combination of terrible gyms near my house (I mean seriously, does it have to be HOT in there? And must it smell like that?) and intense work hours led to my realization that I literally do not have the time nor resources to prepare my body to run those 26.2 miles.
This past weekend, I worked (REALLY worked) nearly nonstop from Friday afternoon until Sunday (Monday) at 2am. I paused this weekend only to RUN, eat, celebrate a birthday, and go to church. I’m not looking for sympathy… I know I am blessed with the opportunity to be working and studying. But it’s just a fact that both are very consuming.
But I’m still a runner. I still want to run 3-5 miles, 2x a week, as well as another form of exercise once a week. This may not make me look like I did when I was 20 and I may not be ready to run a marathon, but I’ll be healthy. And happy.
Maybe some time when I’m not taking on the endeavor of my first year teaching, finishing up grad school at UCLA, and struggling to have basic conversations with loved ones, this will be possible. For now, I’m going to take the expectation/pressure off by saying it’s over.
Sorry, Andrew (running buddy) and everybody whose ears I talked off about this marathon.
Whew! I feel better now (Wouldn’t it be awesome if I got up out of nowhere and still ran that marathon though? Haha).
Greater Things
I think the most positive (and yet, most heartbreaking) moments that I’ve had this week have been one on one conversations with students. I got a substitute teacher on Tuesday and spent the day just talking with 16 students. I thought I would have loads of extra time once my quick conversation goals were met, but no, the day was quickly consumed with stories. I felt privileged to have them share their lives with me.
I can’t even put the intensity of their lives into words. So many terrible situations, hard lessons learned. But a common thread was that despite everything… despite foster homes, social workers, abuse, the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, the violence, and the constant messages of I don’t care about you… “this is my school. people care. YOU care.” And yes, I do. I absolutely do. Despite the obvious desire to sleep in until 9am and go spend 10 dollars on lunch with friends… I was thrilled to see them again. “YOU understand.” Do I? I try. I understand is that it sucks. All I understand is that I care about them. But I don’t understand why it has to be this way. I don’t understand what I can do. I know that listening, talking, and interceding for them are is so worthwhile. That looking up bus routes so he can get from his new foster home to our school, the one place where people genuinely care about him, so at least THAT can remain constant in his life… that these things are good. That laughing with her, validating the lessons that she has learned are important…
But what more? They deserve more than me. They deserve more than the smile that the 5 other teachers they’ll see today can give them. They need more.
For greater things have yet to come
And greater things are still to be done in this City
A DECADE!
So… I know that I originally wrote my meager little post about the new year. But then I got to thinking WAIT. NEW DECADE! So here goes, a run down of what the 2000’s held for me! The beginning reads like a resume, but after that it seems like… a cheat sheet for a blind date? I’ve been blogging for the better part of a decade (I started in 2003 but my several months of writing got lost)!
School
-William Logan Stephens Middle School, June 2000
-Robert A. Millikan High School, June 2004 (Cross Country, Orchestra)
-Long Beach City College, AA in Liberal Education, June 2006
-University of California, Los Angeles, BA in American Literature and Culture, June 2008 (IVBCF, CSO’s)
-Teacher Education Program, Graduate School of Education and Information Studies, UCLA, Teaching Credential in English Education, 2009
-TEP, GSEIS, UCLA continued work toward my Masters in Education, on track to finish in June 2010.
Work
-Maritz Research, Long Beach, CA, 2003
-Coldstone Creamery, Long Beach, CA, 2004-2005
-It’s a Grind, Lakewood, CA, 2005-2006
-Kerkhoff Coffeehouse, UCLA, Los Angeles, CA, 2006
-CSO, UC Police Department, UCLA, Los Angeles, CA, 2006-2009
-Intern, 826LA, Venice, CA 2007
-Teacher, Greendot!, Los Angeles, CA, 2009
Love Life
-3 boyfriends: Nate (met at church), Freddy (met at LBCC), Andrew (met at UCLA).
-1st kiss
-1st date
-Prom
-1st time traveling with S.O.
-1st time celebrating holidays with S.O. & family
-Falling in love! (Andrew, May 2008-Present)
Travels
Within the State
-Yosemite (climbed half-dome)
-Mt. Palomar
-San Diego
-San Francisco
-Berkeley
-Mammoth
-Stanford area (menlo park, atherton, portola valley, cupertino)
-Santa Barbara
-San Luis Obispo
-Monterey
-Chico
Within the Country
-New York, NY
-Newark, NJ
-New Haven, CT
-St. Louis, MO
-Portland, OR
-Newberg, OR
-Las Vegas, NV
-Grand Canyon and Sedona, AZ
-Park City and Salt Lake City, UT
-Houston, TX
-(Walt Disney World) Orlando, FL
Abroad
-Guatemala
-Cambodia
-Thailand
-China
Spiritual Involvement
-Long Beach Friends Church 2000-2009
-Urbana 2009
-Invervarsity Christian Fellowship, UCLA 2006-2009
-Evergreen Baptist Church, 2009
Phases and Interests
-Concerts/Shows (intensified from 2003-2005, but still an interest in 2009)
-Punk… pop-punk awkward phase (2002-2003!)
-Disneyland (2006-2009)
-…Partying (is it necessary to post this here?) it was a phase in overdrive in (2007-2008)
-Going out (clubs and bars) 2005-2009
-Eating out (2004-2009)
-Running (2000-2003, 2008-2009 sporadically)
-UCLA football (2007-2009)
-Reading! (2000-2009)
-Webdesign, Messageboards, blogging for an “audience” (2002-2006)
Significant Friends!
-I started making a list, but I decided it would be awkward
Notable Losses
-Esther Bennet (Great Aunt)
-Catherine Hamm (Grandma)
-Robert Hamm (Uncle)
-Isaac Sward (friend’s precious baby boy)
Living Situations
-Chestnut Ave, Long Beach, CA, Parents and Brother, 2000-2002
-Magnolia Ave, Long Beach, CA, Parents and Brother, 2002-2005
-Dollar St, Lakewood, CA, Parents, 2006
-Hilgard Ave, Los Angeles, CA, Kimberly, Kendra, and Silvia, 2006-2007
-Landfair Ave, Los Angeles, CA, Shannon, Michelle, Anna, Jeanne, Thao, 2007-2009
-Clarington Ave, Los Angeles, CA, Anna, 2009
-Current Residence, Long Beach, CA, Parents, 2006-2009 (secondary residence)/October 2009-present (primary residence)
Decisions
Best decision made: attending UCLA
Worst decision made: October-December 2007
Thank God for a decade of joy and opportunities, despite seasons of confusion, regret, remorse.
I have learned so much.
As 2009 winds down…
This year, I focused more on living life, rather than taking pictures of it.
Let’s rephrase that.
This year was one of the best (if not THE BEST) years of my life, and sadly… I have a very minimal amount of photos to show for it. I don’t know, stalk my facebook if you want the visual rundown?
Between student teaching (which I can hardly believe was this year), lots of good food, lots of good conversations with friends, wonderful times with my love, getting my first big girl job, going to Houston, going to Disneyworld, turning 23, having a great Thanksgiving, surviving (and loving?) teaching, and making it to my first winter break… NO COMPLAINTS!
I’ve never had as demanding a year as this one, but the hard work paid off.
Thank you everybody who was a part of it, thank you Jesus for everybody who was a part of it!
2010 is already looking happy.
A better post about winter break is soon to come… once it’s done. But I’m not even halfway through, so we’ll have to wait for that.
Merry Christmas!
Now, if only those New Year’s plans would hurry up and make themselves…
A few more
From my advisory:
“I want another candy bag!”
“Oh… umm well you know that they had your names on them, I only made enough to give one to each of you”
“Yeah! And at first, we were like ‘aww, thanks, Ms. Hamm!’ But then we looked inside and we were like ‘OH SHIT. MS. HAMM KNOWS WHAT CANDY TO GET FOR BLACK PEOPLE!’”
In the copyroom:
Student 1: [listening to becky on his phone]
Me: I don’t want to hear that song, I don’t like it.
Student 1: Do you know what Becky even means?
Me: Yes, and that’s why I don’t want to hear it.
Student 1:Oh, okay, my bad, Ms. Hamm.
Student 2: Wait, what’s Becky?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Studnet 2: What’s Becky?
Student 1: It’s head man! Something you don’t know about!
Student 2: Ms. Hamm, what’s head?
Me: I… still don’t want to talk about it.
Student 2: FINE! I’ll ask the principal!
Student 2: [walks into assistant principal's office]
Student 2: What’s head? Ms. Hamm won’t tell me!
student quotables #1
Being that I am a creative writing teacher and my students are constantly writing… I am going to start quoting some of the student work I receive on a daily basis. I might find it strange, hilarious, deep… or a mix of all.
Here’s tonight’s installment:
“It’s dark and scary and smells like fish and bullshit”
Either racist or losing my mind.
This week is only two days long so far and I have already mixed up the names of 7 students out loud and about 3 more in my mind.
They love it.
