The difference for those who believe is not the absence of the shadow but the presence of the Light.
The signs of a sick week: Your laundry consists of PJs and your trash consists of the scraps you used for communication.
What a blessing this weekend was! Forced into silence, I felt serene rather than taciturn. In comparison to just a few weeks ago, when I warred with myself over a few hours spent alone each day, I am proud to say that I appreciated my time.
I feel so accomplished. To put this in context, about a year and a half ago I became aware of a hesitancy I developed toward being in solitude. Whereas I previously loved my time alone, something switched internally and I then completely HATED to be left alone.
Back in April, there was even a particular day when I intentionally tried to take a day off to process things; it was one of the worst days of my life. When I was going through a hard time last Spring, I listened to well-intentioned friends who advised me to fill my time. And man, am I good at keeping busy, filling a schedule. The end of 2011 is a blur of busy, hectic exhaustion.
But this weekend… this weekend, 18 months after the realization that I hate to be alone, I fully appreciated the forced tranquility. Things were well with my soul, and folks… it’s been a good week since.
Yes, a good week due in part to my students being more consistently well-behaved I’ve seen them in months (thank you, Always Running). Yes, due in part to my voice making a hoarse return. Yes, due to being able to be with friends for the first time in a few days. Yes, due to excitement that 2 weeks into 2012, my budget is manageable and my goals seem realistic.
But there’s more to it.
I feel more balanced. I feel more joyful. Cooking a delicious dinner. Helping around the house. Walking and playing with Jay-Jay/Fernando/Dog whose name is TBD. Staying on top of work. Finding time to relax and reflect. Reading for fun. These moments of my day that I get to steal away from others and just be. Just sing (in my head, singing out loud is still a bit too much for my recovering vocal chords). Just pray. Just be thankful. Just be at peace.
I know these moments of consolation, where my soul is at rest, are temporary. Desolation will come. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe in a few days… maybe tomorrow, in a few hours. But I do hope I’ll remember this peaceful season of consolation and I do hope I’ll come back to it.
